Spring cleaning my wardrobe ….. 

I don’t know about you but having a good spring clean always helps keep my motivation going, one because I always feel like I am getting a little work out while I am doing it and two I find clothes I forgot about that I couldn’t fit into and now I can!!

Out with the old and in with the new?

This is the question!

While my positive motivated self says HELL YEAH! Throw those size 22 trousers out girl you are NOT gunna be needing them no more …. My inner confidence bitch is at this point snapping her fingers and tossing her hair like some teen movie IT girl ….meanwhile the doubter goth girl is peeping around those huge trousers saying …. But these are sooooo comfy …..what if you need them again?
So on and so on my inner monologue goes, proving first of all that I have watched far too many teen movies, but also that clearly I am not believing fully in myself. 

Even with how well I have done so far, the doubt in me burns rather brightly. 

How do we ever stop listing to that little voice? 

I have always been larger than my friends, I was often teased at school and called names. I took it on the chin and laughed it off but the reality of it was that I was hurting. I hated myself. I was ugly, I was fat – how could anyone love me?

I know this is a story that most of us as teenagers go through, too skinny, spotty, “ugly”, big ears, big nose, hair colour…… The list goes on. The problem is as a young teenager you feel like it’s only you. That all your friends are “so pretty” why can’t I be?

Even now as an adult my teenage inner voice still berates and teases me, see the laughable thing is now I realise that the boy who called me those names probably did so because he himself was insecure, he had his own issues and lashed out at me. 

I wish more than anything that I could go back and talk to that insecure little girl that was me , to tell her how great life was going to get for her and to hold on!

While I am on this weight loss journey now, make no mistake it isn’t for my appearance. Looking good is in the eye of the beholder so they say, this journey is about me getting to a point where I can have children. That’s it! Because sadly I know that being at my “perfect weight” there will still be things I hate about myself. 

I have spent so many years listening to that cruel boys words in my head and worst of all believing them. Still to this day when my own husband tells be I am beautiful I think ….”yeah but you have to say that!”

Believing you are beautiful comes from inside of you, you have to believe it yourself. It’s so much more than your dress size and your appearance. 

There are so many pressures out there in the world to”look good” that even those images used by the fashion and entertainment industry to enforce this beauty standard aren’t the truth. We are constantly being held to an unrealistic ideal of beauty. I am so pleased to see more and more plus size models such as Tess Holliday. I adore her!

We are all individuals, everyone comes in beautifully different shapes and sizes. Those commenting on you and your appearance, those keyboard warriors shouting about unhealthy images being a bad influence, it says more about them than it does you. Beauty does not come in one standard package. 

I wish more than anything that young people believe this of themselves, what ever it is you feel that makes you different or “ugly” embrace it, love it and don’t let anyone have that power over you! Care more about being a beautiful kind person!  

Will I ever truly look in the mirror and think…. Wow just perfect ….. Probably not, no! But I know I try every day to be a good person on the inside and hopefully one day that will be enough and that mean boys words will disappear! 
Another 2lbs off this week! Closing in on the two stone mark!! Surely I deserve some new clothes then?!

Until next time 🌟🌟🌟

Why I don’t like photos of myself

  
I posted this image on my Facebook and Instagram accounts. 

I was over 19 stone in the left picture. 

I loaded it and deleted it four or five times   before sharing it because neither image is appealing to look at. 

The left one reminds me of a time where I felt totally hopeless, the failure to conceive and carry a child weighed on me.  I look at the left one and it reminds me of how totally lost I was. So very desperate for a child, to do the one thing a woman should. 

It was soon after this picture that we had our first appointment with the fertility doctor. I stood on the scales for the first time in a very long time. Some how I had jumped from 13 stone to over 19!!

It was that slap in the face that I needed at that time and motivated me to loose the first lot of weight. Of cause it’s hard when you have a love of food and I got a bit too big for my knickers!! I felt confidant and looked better than I had in a while and started to slip. 

You know the story it’s not a unique one!

So this time I will keep this image to look at, as much as its hard to do so, it reminds me how far I have come but the right image reminds me that I still have a way to go. 

They say nothing  in life worth having is easy, for some having a family is just that – easy. The hard work starts when the bundle of joy is with them. My hard work started with the loss of our first baby and I feel like I am still battling. 

It’s nice to finally have the motivation to fight, winning isn’t just about the baby but about looking at myself and not feeling like a failure. Every lb lost, every inch gone is a small victory. Maybe one day I will look at both of these images and feel proud. I really hope that. 

🌟🌟🌟

Pulling it back! High five me!!

I mentioned earlier this week that I was having a few issues – food issues. I had a couple of slips and usually that’s just the beginning of the end. 

NOT THIS TIME MY FRIENDS!

I really think the key for me is to get it right the moment I get up! If I eat the right breakfast I seem to find the motivation to continue on the path for the day. 

The other thing that helps me is planning  – seems like a really basic thing to say but how many of us do this? I would suggest that those of us that are healthy eaters probably do this more than not. I really want to me one of these people ….. Induct me into your club please!!

Sadly I’m often the one scrating around in the fridge late on an evening after a hard day at work …. Quickly deciding that takeaway is the only way forward! 

I’m so much more in control this time. 

If you are reading this thinking – I wish I could get my act together, like I have done so many times before when reading other peoples journey – I want to say to you, you can do it! I’m a long way off being in a position to say “Look at me how I have done” 😝😝😝 cringe!! 

But you can! You just need to start with one meal on one day, a day at a time. By all means join me heaven knows I need the help!! Support me to get our baby! Lol!

So another pound off this week even with the naughty treats! One stone 8 pounds off in total! 

I got into a pair of jeans that were too small this time two months ago – it’s the little goals as well as the large one that are important. They keep me motivated!

Xoxo

Tough days and bad food choices ….

It’s hard to keep the motivation going when you have bad days. Those sort of days that make you want to climb back into your Pjs and watch bad TV with a bowl of the very best ice cream for company.

Do I feel like that often?…. Yes!! Do I always give in ? ….. NO! 

Today was one of those days, and while I didn’t give in to full meltdown mode, it’s been a bad one!

I managed to get out of bed … Yay for me! Be productive at work …. Double yay!! Make good food choices to start with….. until that is it got to dinner time and I was eating with my Aunty and family …. we had Chinese food! Sigh! 

(Insert slap here)

There are two ways I can go with this, continue to slip and start the bad cycle all over again! Or …..OR!!! accept that this has been not a great week so far, dust myself off and start again tomorrow. 

So that’s what I will do. Too many times it’s easy to beat yourself up for “slipping off the wagon” admittedly, often I can be found rolling around in the gutter after spectacularly falling off said wagon – But not this time – oh no! I am dusting my scraped knees off and clambering back up into that crappy wagon and hoping to god tomorrow no one even so much as mentions icecream! 

Wish me luck 

🌟😇😇🌟

Motivation from grief!

I am surprising myself at how focused I am still after a month of clean eating! 

Normally I always find an excuse but the sad thing is the pain I feel from the grief of loosing my cousin is giving me razor sharp focus. Something I haven’t felt before. 

When someone you know looses a loved one of cause you feel sad for them, you tell them how sorry you are and think how awful that would be but you move on with your day. 

People will often say “I know just how you feel!” But the truth is no one really can because grief is such a personal thing. We all feel it differently, we all deal differently and there is no right way to get through it. I never imagined just how hard it would be for me.  

I feel like I have an internal monster inside my chest, some days it’s quiet and bareable, other days it stretches out filling me, it scratches and claws at me until I’m raw. This weekend its clawed me to pieces. 

I once read you felt grief in waves – this is so true for me. One moment I am fine talking about happy memories, next I’m a sobbing mess in our local pizza place because he will never be in here with me again laughing and joking waiting for his parmo, feeling like a crazy person. 

The final piece was fitted to his grave today, the headstone. Seeing his name engraved beautifully on that stone just breaks me. It’s not like it didn’t feel final before, it did. But seeing that stone, those gold letters, the years that are just so short it makes me angry, there should be so much more time on that date!! 27 is too young! It just completely breaks me. 

  
It’s beautiful, it’s bling which he would have loved. My aunt and family did an amazing job. 

Normally this would be a time for me to jump back into my bad habits. I want to. I want to order food and eat until I don’t feel empty. The truth of cause is that it won’t ever work. Having now felt grief like this first hand, I don’t believe the empty goes or that you “get over it” I think you simply learn to live with the hole created by the loss. 

Today after a wonderful lunch with my family – which I refused desert!!! Yay me!! I came home and did some food prep for the week ahead. Planned some meals an cooked some low cal chilli. 

   
 
Preparation and pre planning is so important for me to have a good week. I am weakest around dinner time, so if I don’t know what I am eating once I get home from work or even worse I don’t have the food in….takeaway here I come. 

I have some lovely food planned in for this week. All including my new addiction which is hot sauce, pretty much replacing any sauces I would normally use that are calorific. 

  
My new best friends. Haha!!

So even after what was a hard weekend I have clung onto my motivation. I found something else that was more important to me than food. My love of my family, making them and my husband proud.  

One stone seven pounds down at the moment. Let’s see what this week brings. 

😇😇🌟🌟🌟 xoxo