Memories that hurt 

I was always a glass half full sort of person. Since we lost my cousin this year I have been finding it harder and harder to find the good in things. 

I hate cancer like it was a person! A person I want to beat and kick and scream and shout at. I want to know why it took him! I feel like it took a peice of me with it too. I want to know why it wanted to hurt my family so badly. Why us?? 

Yesterday I realised was the first full day I had gone without crying. Today when I thought about this, I sobbed for a half hour. 

Back in January when he was first taken from us the notion that I would go a day with out crying seemed unlikely. I didn’t want to because would that then mean I am forgetting? Logically I know this isn’t true. I think about him and my family’s pain every day. But still the fact I didn’t cry seemed to cause hurt as well. 

It’s true when they, whomever they are, say that it comes in waves. Some days I hold it together ok, tears are usually last or first thing in a day. The middle bit we all slap on our brave faces and try to do normal. The tears are brought on by a memory or picture or just the ache that’s been so present since the moment we found out it was Leukemia. 

Yesterday I was distracted, I was worried about a scan I had to have at the hospital. Recently I have had cysts causing me pain in places you don’t wanna know. So at the moment they are investigating the next steps to take, the problem for me with scans is that it transports me instantly back to loosing some of my pregnancies. 

The whole thing from start to finish, the waiting room with expectant mothers blooming with their healthy pregnancies to the scan it’s self and being in the position again on that bed. 

I haven’t ever suffered with depression or anxiety but I think the truly awful year we have had has nudged me closer to feeling these things. 

Laying there yesterday with yet another nurse looking at my insides and clicking away pointing at the abnormalities on my dysfunctional baby machine. I started to feel sick and shaky and very emotional, I wanted to jump off that bed and run for it. Every bad experience I have had in this situation weighed on me. 

I rarely let the pain out of its little lock box in my brain regarding the failings to get pregnant and keep the baby. I try to continue and not let it consume me. Recently the memories are leaking out more frequently and it’s been hard but frustrating because I am normally so in control. Little triggers around me all the time set off some monumental meltdowns. I don’t know if this is still my grief, like a side effect that all the bad experiences are pouring out of me. I haven’t ever felt like this before, grief so consuming. 

I have overwhelming respect for those people in my life that have lost young loved ones and managed to look like they are carrying on. I realise now how much energy it must take to just be “normal”. uRghhh I hate that word “normal”!

So yesterday I didn’t cry for Gav and I felt guilty for allowing my thoughts to be on me and it felt selfish.  I think perhaps I am now officially a crazy person. I don’t want to move on, I know he wouldn’t want us to be like we are but it’s easier said than done. We are all in such pain. 

I wonder if he watches over us and is annoyed, or if he realises the total mess we are in is testament to how much we loved him. I don’t want to do a day with out crying for him!! I know life goes on, but this version of life is different to before, somethings missing, we aren’t the same. Our hearts are just completely broken.  

⭐️⭐️❤️❤️💔💔

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How exciting is a smiley face?!!!

This morning I peed on a stick and it made me happier than I have been in a long time. 

I share a lot of my life particularly the fertility issues online as I have found such support from others in my position, but in truth this morning I shared my joy because I was excited!! My Facebook post was instantly filled with love and excitement from my friends and family. 

For all these years of trying for a baby, I have peed on a LOT of sticks, Clearblue more than others and the results always upset me. I have had so many negatives that the little empty circle on the ovulation kits or the not pregnant flashing on a pregnancy test, I have become numb to it. I expect the negative. This mornings peak was amazing!!!

To be clear my stick didn’t tell me I was pregnant. It told me I am ovulating. I have PCOS and those digital tests have NEVER in all these years told me I am ovulating!!! I was excited like I was pregnant!!! I did a little happy dance in the bathroom and instantly decided to share. 

I have people in my life I have never met. They read my blogs or follow me on Instagram etc. I get so many messages from people thanking me for sharing my journey. It’s for these people I am glad I did share as well as myself feeling the love. That was awesome. It’s nice to share a positive result even just the ovulation!! For some it may be hard to understand the excitement over ovulation but do as many tests as I have, that have been negative and then come back to me, see how you feel lol. 

Our journey has been a long one and there are so many “trying to conceive” stories out there most of which end in a beautiful bundle of joy. Our story hasn’t ended that way, I feel that’s a story that should be shared too. It’s a lonely road here feeling like the only one who’s body just will not do as it should. If I can make one person feel like they aren’t alone through this then I feel I am doing some good, my babies that didn’t make it aren’t gone for nothing. They live on with me and my blog in some silly way. I know that sounds nuts!! 

I am not getting ahead of myself as the chances of getting pregnant are still not great, but I guess I am trying to say don’t give up and take what ever positives you can!! That little smiley face has given me a little glimmer of hope, something I haven’t felt in a long time. Will it mean I get pregnant? Probably not but it’s still a nice feeling that it’s possible ….. I am not out of the game yet 🙊🙊🙊!!!

Wish us baby dust!!! 👪👨‍👩‍👧💑💑

Lemon Face Challenge and PCOS. 

When I was around 24 I found out I had PCOS. 

I didn’t really understand what it would mean to me and my life goals. I always had an idea that I might have problems getting pregnant but I told myself I was being silly. 

If I had known what the next 12 years would bring from that day in the doctors office. I might just have reacted differently. I may have screamed and cried until I had nothing left. 

As it was, and still is to a certain degree, I believe when life gives you lemons – you make lemonade. PCOS wasn’t going to kill my dreams, I was young and had a can do attitude. 

That lasted until my first confirmed miscarriage after the diagnosis. The quiet in the room where the sonographer silently took images of my baby. I don’t think I took a breath the whole time. The click …. Click …. Click …. Continued and I just knew. No more baby, no more dream. 

Sub Fertility is only one of the side effects of this condition, and it’s not always this way for all. Some women conceive and go on to have a happy pregnancy and beautiful babies. This hasn’t been the case for me. 

Another fun side effect is difficulty loosing weight. In order to get any more help from the NHS to get pregnant you need to be a healthy BMI. I would like to say I was a perfectly healthy with a love for all things gym and broccoli. I am not. 

I love all things naughty and a chicken parmo …. With chips ….. And salad ………. Oh and garlic sauce 😁😁😁. 

I have made some great strides to loosing weight this year and hope to be at target by the end of this year early next, but the anger I feel for having to do it this way just doesn’t leave me. I am a happy chunky monkey!!!! 

I’m angry that my babies have been taken from me. I’m angry that no matter how hard I try some weeks I am still going to put that weight on. Its upsetting that I am judged for my size, though those people will never know my struggle and only see a fat lazy person. It’s frustrating that the pain I go through every single month, that cripples me to the point I am sick and pass out is for nothing. Most of all I am angry that I can’t control this and I have no choice. 

No one asks for their illnesses. I doubt most of us want the sympathy either. What I would like is for in the years to come a woman in my position would get help, to not feel alone. To find something constructive to help with the side effects, a cure would be amazing. I don’t want anyone’s heart to shatter like mine listening so hard to hear a beautiful heartbeat of my babies that will never come. 

So it’s true, life some times does throw you lemons. How you make that lemonade is up to you. For me I’m blending it up with love and laughter, making it a little easier to swallow. No I can’t  control having PCOS but I can control how I much of me I let it take. PCOS has made some of my life choices for me, but it’s not who I am, I am still me in here somewhere. 

Please share those #lemonfacechallenges out there. It might just mean the world to someone in your life. 

Xoxo 

What I couldn’t live without to ensure a good weight loss next week! 

Sunday nights seem to roll around too quickly. So as I have waved my husband off for another week working away, my thoughts turn to how I can make sure the next week is a success for weight loss. 

We had a fantastic weekend looking for new activities that didn’t include eating in restaurants. While we had an amazing time it’s time to get focused again for the week ahead! 


To make sure that I get another loss next week here’s what I can’t do without! 

Writing a meal plan for the week ahead. I make plans down to the smallest snack. If I am perfect this is all I need. Some weeks the call of the bad foods can get a little too much so I might add in a couple of treats, but the great thing with slimming world is that I can do that without too much guilt!

Bulk buying takeaway tubs has been a great idea, preparing and storing my lunches in them. 

Shopping lists which basically include mostly super speedy loss foods. 

Water …. Plenty of it! My blender bottle has become my best friend. Lemon slices in water has become the best choice for me and considering that before I started this journey I would be drinking full fat coke or Dr Pepper. I can’t believe I would much rather have water and lemon than anything else! 

My fitness pal app and my Slimming World app. Tracking what I am eating really helps me to stay focused! 

Fat free natural yogurt. I loved sauces and mayo pre health kick, so trying to find something that works for me has been challenging. I tried fat free Greek yogurt and I love it!! I do still use extra low fat Mayo every now and then but mainly I use yogurt.

Green Tea – I haven’t ever been a big hit drink person. I do love green tea and it does seem to help with the weight loss! 

Snack ideas for mid afternoon! This is my danger time around 4pm is when I would be thinking about dinner and wondering what I can have. I am most at risk of ordering takeaway food if I am really hungry!! So having snacks on hand at this time is so important.  

These are just a few useful things I am finding help me to stay on track. What helps you? I am going into week 9 now! I lost 1lb this week but after a 5lb loss last week I was concerned that I might put on so …. Phew!! 

Mental attitude is so important. I have spent so long telling myself I was useless and that I couldn’t do it because I was too far gone! It’s been a struggle to keep that voice quiet, I won’t lie she’s still in there. But I realise now that if I say I will do something, if I believe I can do it – then I can!! If I can anyone can! Here’s to a fantastic next week! 

🌟🌟❤️🌟❤️

Spring cleaning my wardrobe ….. 

I don’t know about you but having a good spring clean always helps keep my motivation going, one because I always feel like I am getting a little work out while I am doing it and two I find clothes I forgot about that I couldn’t fit into and now I can!!

Out with the old and in with the new?

This is the question!

While my positive motivated self says HELL YEAH! Throw those size 22 trousers out girl you are NOT gunna be needing them no more …. My inner confidence bitch is at this point snapping her fingers and tossing her hair like some teen movie IT girl ….meanwhile the doubter goth girl is peeping around those huge trousers saying …. But these are sooooo comfy …..what if you need them again?
So on and so on my inner monologue goes, proving first of all that I have watched far too many teen movies, but also that clearly I am not believing fully in myself. 

Even with how well I have done so far, the doubt in me burns rather brightly. 

How do we ever stop listing to that little voice? 

I have always been larger than my friends, I was often teased at school and called names. I took it on the chin and laughed it off but the reality of it was that I was hurting. I hated myself. I was ugly, I was fat – how could anyone love me?

I know this is a story that most of us as teenagers go through, too skinny, spotty, “ugly”, big ears, big nose, hair colour…… The list goes on. The problem is as a young teenager you feel like it’s only you. That all your friends are “so pretty” why can’t I be?

Even now as an adult my teenage inner voice still berates and teases me, see the laughable thing is now I realise that the boy who called me those names probably did so because he himself was insecure, he had his own issues and lashed out at me. 

I wish more than anything that I could go back and talk to that insecure little girl that was me , to tell her how great life was going to get for her and to hold on!

While I am on this weight loss journey now, make no mistake it isn’t for my appearance. Looking good is in the eye of the beholder so they say, this journey is about me getting to a point where I can have children. That’s it! Because sadly I know that being at my “perfect weight” there will still be things I hate about myself. 

I have spent so many years listening to that cruel boys words in my head and worst of all believing them. Still to this day when my own husband tells be I am beautiful I think ….”yeah but you have to say that!”

Believing you are beautiful comes from inside of you, you have to believe it yourself. It’s so much more than your dress size and your appearance. 

There are so many pressures out there in the world to”look good” that even those images used by the fashion and entertainment industry to enforce this beauty standard aren’t the truth. We are constantly being held to an unrealistic ideal of beauty. I am so pleased to see more and more plus size models such as Tess Holliday. I adore her!

We are all individuals, everyone comes in beautifully different shapes and sizes. Those commenting on you and your appearance, those keyboard warriors shouting about unhealthy images being a bad influence, it says more about them than it does you. Beauty does not come in one standard package. 

I wish more than anything that young people believe this of themselves, what ever it is you feel that makes you different or “ugly” embrace it, love it and don’t let anyone have that power over you! Care more about being a beautiful kind person!  

Will I ever truly look in the mirror and think…. Wow just perfect ….. Probably not, no! But I know I try every day to be a good person on the inside and hopefully one day that will be enough and that mean boys words will disappear! 
Another 2lbs off this week! Closing in on the two stone mark!! Surely I deserve some new clothes then?!

Until next time 🌟🌟🌟

PCOS pitfalls 

I faced the scales again yesterday and somehow put 2lbs on!!

I wanted to post something about this because for some weigtloss journeys it’s loss, loss, loss in a lovely straight down line but mine, as with so many others, if I tracked it on graph would look like a twisty line resembling a three year olds drawing of a dog. 

Some weeks I deserve it, I have not been focused, I have not planned right and then that has lead to bad choices. 

This one I didn’t deserve! I kept well within my allowance. No clue why. I don’t want to moan about the difficulty of losing when you have PCOS but I feel like it does warrant mentioning so any of you lovely ladies out there going through the same thing may find the strength to dust yourself off and keep going. To know you are not alone!

I have learned there is a pattern with my losses and gains especially around my monthly cycle. It’s so very frustrating and I’m not a doctor so I don’t know if that’s the PCOS or just usual female issues as I know it effects a lot of women. However my gains can be up to 7lbs. 

If I stay focused and keep fighting forward the losses over the next two weeks are more, so over the month it’s still a great loss. It’s hard keeping that motivation when you feel like you failed yet again. 

Your attitude and self belief is key, believing that weight will go, you just need to continue as have been and trust your body to do what it needs to. That’s what I struggle with, trusting my body, I feel like it has let me down on so many occasions now. 

I’m working on PMA so today rather than slipping into “OH what’s the point” mode – I am visualising those 2lbs melting away when I next get on those scales!! 

I am imagining PCOS is a person and I am beating the living crap out of it!!!!!! PCOS isn’t making the choice of me being over weight or not – I am. It’s my body, you can’t have it any more!!!!

  

Why I don’t like photos of myself

  
I posted this image on my Facebook and Instagram accounts. 

I was over 19 stone in the left picture. 

I loaded it and deleted it four or five times   before sharing it because neither image is appealing to look at. 

The left one reminds me of a time where I felt totally hopeless, the failure to conceive and carry a child weighed on me.  I look at the left one and it reminds me of how totally lost I was. So very desperate for a child, to do the one thing a woman should. 

It was soon after this picture that we had our first appointment with the fertility doctor. I stood on the scales for the first time in a very long time. Some how I had jumped from 13 stone to over 19!!

It was that slap in the face that I needed at that time and motivated me to loose the first lot of weight. Of cause it’s hard when you have a love of food and I got a bit too big for my knickers!! I felt confidant and looked better than I had in a while and started to slip. 

You know the story it’s not a unique one!

So this time I will keep this image to look at, as much as its hard to do so, it reminds me how far I have come but the right image reminds me that I still have a way to go. 

They say nothing  in life worth having is easy, for some having a family is just that – easy. The hard work starts when the bundle of joy is with them. My hard work started with the loss of our first baby and I feel like I am still battling. 

It’s nice to finally have the motivation to fight, winning isn’t just about the baby but about looking at myself and not feeling like a failure. Every lb lost, every inch gone is a small victory. Maybe one day I will look at both of these images and feel proud. I really hope that. 

🌟🌟🌟

Pulling it back! High five me!!

I mentioned earlier this week that I was having a few issues – food issues. I had a couple of slips and usually that’s just the beginning of the end. 

NOT THIS TIME MY FRIENDS!

I really think the key for me is to get it right the moment I get up! If I eat the right breakfast I seem to find the motivation to continue on the path for the day. 

The other thing that helps me is planning  – seems like a really basic thing to say but how many of us do this? I would suggest that those of us that are healthy eaters probably do this more than not. I really want to me one of these people ….. Induct me into your club please!!

Sadly I’m often the one scrating around in the fridge late on an evening after a hard day at work …. Quickly deciding that takeaway is the only way forward! 

I’m so much more in control this time. 

If you are reading this thinking – I wish I could get my act together, like I have done so many times before when reading other peoples journey – I want to say to you, you can do it! I’m a long way off being in a position to say “Look at me how I have done” 😝😝😝 cringe!! 

But you can! You just need to start with one meal on one day, a day at a time. By all means join me heaven knows I need the help!! Support me to get our baby! Lol!

So another pound off this week even with the naughty treats! One stone 8 pounds off in total! 

I got into a pair of jeans that were too small this time two months ago – it’s the little goals as well as the large one that are important. They keep me motivated!

Xoxo

Tough days and bad food choices ….

It’s hard to keep the motivation going when you have bad days. Those sort of days that make you want to climb back into your Pjs and watch bad TV with a bowl of the very best ice cream for company.

Do I feel like that often?…. Yes!! Do I always give in ? ….. NO! 

Today was one of those days, and while I didn’t give in to full meltdown mode, it’s been a bad one!

I managed to get out of bed … Yay for me! Be productive at work …. Double yay!! Make good food choices to start with….. until that is it got to dinner time and I was eating with my Aunty and family …. we had Chinese food! Sigh! 

(Insert slap here)

There are two ways I can go with this, continue to slip and start the bad cycle all over again! Or …..OR!!! accept that this has been not a great week so far, dust myself off and start again tomorrow. 

So that’s what I will do. Too many times it’s easy to beat yourself up for “slipping off the wagon” admittedly, often I can be found rolling around in the gutter after spectacularly falling off said wagon – But not this time – oh no! I am dusting my scraped knees off and clambering back up into that crappy wagon and hoping to god tomorrow no one even so much as mentions icecream! 

Wish me luck 

🌟😇😇🌟