Memories that hurt 

I was always a glass half full sort of person. Since we lost my cousin this year I have been finding it harder and harder to find the good in things. 

I hate cancer like it was a person! A person I want to beat and kick and scream and shout at. I want to know why it took him! I feel like it took a peice of me with it too. I want to know why it wanted to hurt my family so badly. Why us?? 

Yesterday I realised was the first full day I had gone without crying. Today when I thought about this, I sobbed for a half hour. 

Back in January when he was first taken from us the notion that I would go a day with out crying seemed unlikely. I didn’t want to because would that then mean I am forgetting? Logically I know this isn’t true. I think about him and my family’s pain every day. But still the fact I didn’t cry seemed to cause hurt as well. 

It’s true when they, whomever they are, say that it comes in waves. Some days I hold it together ok, tears are usually last or first thing in a day. The middle bit we all slap on our brave faces and try to do normal. The tears are brought on by a memory or picture or just the ache that’s been so present since the moment we found out it was Leukemia. 

Yesterday I was distracted, I was worried about a scan I had to have at the hospital. Recently I have had cysts causing me pain in places you don’t wanna know. So at the moment they are investigating the next steps to take, the problem for me with scans is that it transports me instantly back to loosing some of my pregnancies. 

The whole thing from start to finish, the waiting room with expectant mothers blooming with their healthy pregnancies to the scan it’s self and being in the position again on that bed. 

I haven’t ever suffered with depression or anxiety but I think the truly awful year we have had has nudged me closer to feeling these things. 

Laying there yesterday with yet another nurse looking at my insides and clicking away pointing at the abnormalities on my dysfunctional baby machine. I started to feel sick and shaky and very emotional, I wanted to jump off that bed and run for it. Every bad experience I have had in this situation weighed on me. 

I rarely let the pain out of its little lock box in my brain regarding the failings to get pregnant and keep the baby. I try to continue and not let it consume me. Recently the memories are leaking out more frequently and it’s been hard but frustrating because I am normally so in control. Little triggers around me all the time set off some monumental meltdowns. I don’t know if this is still my grief, like a side effect that all the bad experiences are pouring out of me. I haven’t ever felt like this before, grief so consuming. 

I have overwhelming respect for those people in my life that have lost young loved ones and managed to look like they are carrying on. I realise now how much energy it must take to just be “normal”. uRghhh I hate that word “normal”!

So yesterday I didn’t cry for Gav and I felt guilty for allowing my thoughts to be on me and it felt selfish.  I think perhaps I am now officially a crazy person. I don’t want to move on, I know he wouldn’t want us to be like we are but it’s easier said than done. We are all in such pain. 

I wonder if he watches over us and is annoyed, or if he realises the total mess we are in is testament to how much we loved him. I don’t want to do a day with out crying for him!! I know life goes on, but this version of life is different to before, somethings missing, we aren’t the same. Our hearts are just completely broken.  

⭐️⭐️❤️❤️💔💔

Body shamers…. Mind your own damn business!!!!

I know writing in anger is probably not a good idea but I am so annoyed!!!

I follow a lot of body positive messages on social media and over time I have learned to not read the comments as they often really annoy me!! Since I have been trying my hand at healthy living  more and more of these comments pop out to taunt me. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!!!!

What ever your body shape it is no one else’s business!! We are all made beautifully different and I am yet to meet someone who is 100% guilt free healthy living  or 100% happy with their body. 

What’s even more upsetting is that people feel it’s ok to comment on feeds bashing someone for their size be that big or small!! You have no idea what that person is going through, why do you need to comment hate and anger at all?!?

I have always been brought up to believe if you have nothing nice to say do not say it at all. 

It matters what the character of the person is, if they are happy and healthy, which FYI you can not tell by looking at someone, then that’s their business!

It works for every body shape I have people call my friends “skinny bitch” feeling this was a complement. Not knowing that the person involved felt so skinny that she would do anything to put a little weight on. Others that work damn hard for their “perfect” body and they shouldn’t be shamed for that either. I don’t think I will ever be a five night a week gym person but I applaud those that have that sort of drive and commitment! 

I am a size 20 at the moment. I am working hard EVERYDAY to loose weight. Not because I want to look good in societies eyes but because the government say I can only have IVF below a certain weight. The fact that I am overweight doesn’t mean I am not beautiful, maybe not to everyone but then who is? I am beautiful to the only person I care about and that is my husband. 

The next time you feel the need to pull someone down for their size in life or on social media, think how you would feel if this was your family? Is your life so “healthy” it gives you the right to bully someone else?? 

Instead of posting a negative comment, which lets be honest shows the world more about you than it does the person you are commenting on, think again. Try a positive one, you never know you might like it!!

Social media has give us too much anonymity. We would not go up to a random person in the street and shout these things at them. Why do it here?

I started sharing on social media for support and to keep up to date with my friends and I use it a lot because I have friends all over the place. It’s been a great comfort to get the thoughts out of my head after loosing my cousin, sharing my grief at times has been something that’s stopped me from loosing my shit all together! What’s sad to see is that so many people use it for a place to speak their hatred because they are too cowardly to do that in the “real world”.

You don’t know their story, you don’t know what brought them this point in their life. If we showed more love and compassion and less hate – wouldn’t that be a better way to live? 

To anyone out there who has experiences body hate no matter your size. The only person that matters, the only one you should care about is you loving yourself. Its ok to want to make changes to your body shape, to strive for what you want but I don’t believe any dress size will truly make you happy if you do not love yourself! 

❤️✌🏻️✌🏻✌🏻❤️

It’s been a while …

Firstly I want to apologise for the radio silence the last few months. I can honestly say that this last year of my life has been the worst…. Ever….

Last year I wrote about my cousin and his fight with Leukemia. Soon after that blog he was told he was in remission, sadly four weeks later he was back at James Cook hospital having a brain tumour removed and about to under go more treatment. 

Gavin was so strong, no matter how many tests returned with bad news or treatment plans, chemo, radiation and so on were thrown at him, he continued to fight and smile. 

During the last few radiation treatments in December he became ill again. 

 Two days before Christmas we found out that the Leukemia had returned and that it was terminal. 

We were going to loose him. At 27 years old one of the most brilliant sparkling lights I had ever known had to leave us. 

I have lost grandparents to cancer, finding out that we had to say goodbye to my little cousin, someone I saw more as a little brother  was different. Que full melt down. I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t want to believe it ….. How could we ever say goodbye.  

Immediately my stomach rejected the lunch I had just eaten, and worst of all I had to watch his sister, my cousin break the news to us and her heart. 

I cried. I cried for Gavin, I cried for his partner of 9 years, I cried for my Aunt and Uncle who are amazing wonderful people and didn’t deserve this heartbreak. I cried for his sister.  

I am not a cryer, but since then the tears just haven’t stopped.

He came home for his last Christmas, still not really believing it was real! Constantly searching or hoping for a glimmer of a miricle something to save his life. 

It never came. 

  
On the 20th of January 2016 the bravest person I ever had the privilege of knowing left this world and gained his angel wings. In the process he took a peice of us all with him. 

I can’t describe the pain that followed and still is with us, we are totally broken. He’s left a massive hole in our lives. 

I wanted to share this because I feel ready to start to write again but also to tell the world about Gavin, the beautiful brave warrior that fought this shitty illness to his last breath. 

He is my inspiration to live life as well as I can, to never forget the importance of one more day.

To quote a recent meme I read on Facebook. 

If love could have kept you alive, you would have lived forever. 

Be thankful for everyday you have, even the bad ones. Appreciate your loved ones …. Make the time to see them!!

Until next time ❤️🌟

 
 

 

Race for Life Muddier and what it means to our family….

TEAM GAV

This weekend my cousins and one of our friends ran the 5k Race For Life muddier in Newcastle, the plan was for me to do this also making it my 5th race for life but since the miscarriage I am struggling, racing 5k without training seemed silly. So I decided to photograph it and then tell our story.

Our family is by no means alone in being touched by cancer, though it seems to be particularly cruel to us. We lost both my Granda and Nana to this dreadful illness! It has taken my great aunt and I have lost friends to it. Perhaps the most devastating was the diagnoses of leukaemia for my 26 year old cousin Gavin in Jan this year.

Gavin luckily has responded well to treatment, and is recovering well! Still a ways to go but the outlook is bright. Sadly that’s not the ending for a lot of people out there fighting this illness and it leaves you feeling so helpless. Watching someone you love go  through something so gruelling is  not something I would wish on anyone. So we decided to take part in this race to raise much needed funds for Cancer Research in the hopes that our money will help to better outlook for others, just as I am sure the research in the past has helped with Gavin’s treatment!

I find the Race For Life events very emotional, listening to the stories on stage from people who have lost family members, cancer patients or survivors it is heart breaking but also very uplifting to see so much support and everyone working for a common goal. If you haven’t taken part in an event by now – do it, it will be an amazing experience!

Please consider Cancer Research whenever you donate, they are so important!

Please show my family some love – I am so, so proud of my cousins for finishing this race, may I add my cousin Louise (Albino on her shirt) has now completed two of these last week and this weekend!! legend!!

Until next time xoxoxo

100 Guinea Pigs, 6 Cats, 2 Dogs and 2 humans!

My cousin Gavin is 26, he is mentioned in my previous blog, he has been a big influence on my decision to start to write publically, to feel confident enough to share. He has Burkitt Lymphoma it’s a type of Leukaemia. He was diagnosed in January this year and it has been a tough start to the year for all of us but no one more than Gav.

He has dealt with is better than I think I ever could have and is a true inspiration.

He had over 100 guinea pigs when he first fell ill and of cause he was unable to keep them on, for a start he was in hospital for two months because of the risk of infection, luckily he has a fantastic partner Shaun who has helped to keep some of them and my uncle who also cleans them out even now. Also some great friends who have actually taken some of them off his hands.

He has 6 cats, 2 dogs and some very strange indoor guinea pigs called skinny’s. The house you would think would be in a blanket of hair but proving how well they are matched Shaun is a neat freak and the only thing you can smell when walking in is flash and cleaning products!! I would love to know how they manage this.

Their animals are so loving and each has their own characters, being a dog lover I must admit a slight bias towards Riley and Ruby the dogs

Ruby10665207_10152453058348039_3529929304134466702_nRuby11012137_10152453041573039_1558010984409805953_nRiley

Riley

The cats are a little more allusive so I only have the beautiful Una Bean on camera;

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They also have a giant rabbit  and a couple of little ones =D

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From a really young age he has loved animals, and his mum and dad have encouraged it. He had a lot of animals growing up and that passion hasn’t ever left him. He finally got a job working at the local vets just before being diognoised, luckily they are keeping his job open. 

One of the many positive things he has done while he has been enduring his chemo it to set up site and Facebook for his breeding business.
Castle Valley Cavies http://castlevalleycavies.weebly.com/ and Facebook page

He loves these animal’s so much he knows all of their dates of birth, the names, which are from which family! He takes so much time and effort with these animals you would be forgiven for being slightly envious of their life.

The strangest of the collection are the skinny’s, so adorable, but strange! Vera the female is current pregnant and due any day now!

Vera

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Walter

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I love spending time with this little family, being able to help in some way even if it just is by taking a few pictures for him to use on the website.

complete two

complete one

Hope you have enjoyed the furry cuteness, until next time xoxox

Topic of conversation….fertility and miscarriage 

A friend of mine recently told me “When it comes to writing, stick to what you love and inspires you. Always write from the heart” I am new to blogging but I have secretly been writing short stories for a while, I do truly believe that writing from the heart is sound advice, because at least if no one else loves what I am writing I do. As some of you know from my previous blogs, the reason that I started to do this was therapy. To be able to share my photographs, art and stories has given me a focus that has made dealing with not being able to have children a little easier. With the therapy in mind I wanted to share something with you. Earlier this week I read an article on miscarriage and the reasons why it happens, as much as I feel like I am over the worst this still upset me like it highlights my defects. The thing that upset me most were some of the comments on post. The story was on how most pregnancies end in miscarriage before the woman even is aware or very early, and then the justification from some of the comments was like that was ok because it was early so it’s not like they were too far along that it wasn’t as hard to deal with. It really annoyed me. For every month that we tried for all of the ten years that we tried, I visualised what our life would be like with that baby. I imaged rocking them to sleep, I imagined taking them to nursery and then school, helping with school work, singing them to sleep, teaching them to sing as they got older, the arguments, the cuddles, the tears, the laughter even the tantrums. My first Mother’s Day, bens first Father’s Day.  Something I haven’t shared with anyone, I am about to share now. The thing I visualised most was how I would tell my husband and family. I even went as far as buying a little baby grow that was a Newcastle football shirt. I had planned to give it to my husband with the positive test. I hid it in my bed side table draws for years. I only finally got rid of it in January this year.  I knew I would take that first healthy scan picture make it into cards to give to our family as an announcement. How excited they would be and how tremendously loved that baby would be.  Every month it didn’t happen or even when it did and it ended badly my heart broke a little more. The time spend with these dreams didn’t make any of my miscarriages easier to deal with or any of the months that ended with no pregnancy.  The hardest part each month when you are trying is the wait. The two week wait as it’s known. It’s a long time to fantasies in those two weeks. Through some of the worst moments, physical and mental pain of the last few years I kept this visual in mind: It’s early evening, baby would be sleeping in it’s Moses basket after being bathed and fed, my husband would be home and we are so happy.  That image got me through a lot and to say I am out the other end now, it still angered me that anyone would dismiss any miscarriage early or not, the people loosing that baby may have been carrying that dream a lot longer than a few weeks!!  I still have these moments and I know I shouldn’t read FB comments as you know there are always going to be negative ones, but every time I think I am over it something happens and I think nope still hurts.  Heartbreak is subjective, if a person feels it then it’s real no matter what the reason. Who has the right to dismiss it so easily.  I know mine can’t be dismissed or forgotten. It is better now, better than I ever thought it could be. There is light for any one reading this in the same position. Cling to those things in life that make you happy, focus on them. For me it’s my husband, my family and letting my creativity out.

St Ives Bay
lane near my home
stone henge on my birthday couple years ago
Mount Vesuvius, jan 2015 holiday
st ives
lane near my mums house, love these fields 
one of my paintings
some sketches
st ives
river by my house

Until next time xoxo