Memories that hurt 

I was always a glass half full sort of person. Since we lost my cousin this year I have been finding it harder and harder to find the good in things. 

I hate cancer like it was a person! A person I want to beat and kick and scream and shout at. I want to know why it took him! I feel like it took a peice of me with it too. I want to know why it wanted to hurt my family so badly. Why us?? 

Yesterday I realised was the first full day I had gone without crying. Today when I thought about this, I sobbed for a half hour. 

Back in January when he was first taken from us the notion that I would go a day with out crying seemed unlikely. I didn’t want to because would that then mean I am forgetting? Logically I know this isn’t true. I think about him and my family’s pain every day. But still the fact I didn’t cry seemed to cause hurt as well. 

It’s true when they, whomever they are, say that it comes in waves. Some days I hold it together ok, tears are usually last or first thing in a day. The middle bit we all slap on our brave faces and try to do normal. The tears are brought on by a memory or picture or just the ache that’s been so present since the moment we found out it was Leukemia. 

Yesterday I was distracted, I was worried about a scan I had to have at the hospital. Recently I have had cysts causing me pain in places you don’t wanna know. So at the moment they are investigating the next steps to take, the problem for me with scans is that it transports me instantly back to loosing some of my pregnancies. 

The whole thing from start to finish, the waiting room with expectant mothers blooming with their healthy pregnancies to the scan it’s self and being in the position again on that bed. 

I haven’t ever suffered with depression or anxiety but I think the truly awful year we have had has nudged me closer to feeling these things. 

Laying there yesterday with yet another nurse looking at my insides and clicking away pointing at the abnormalities on my dysfunctional baby machine. I started to feel sick and shaky and very emotional, I wanted to jump off that bed and run for it. Every bad experience I have had in this situation weighed on me. 

I rarely let the pain out of its little lock box in my brain regarding the failings to get pregnant and keep the baby. I try to continue and not let it consume me. Recently the memories are leaking out more frequently and it’s been hard but frustrating because I am normally so in control. Little triggers around me all the time set off some monumental meltdowns. I don’t know if this is still my grief, like a side effect that all the bad experiences are pouring out of me. I haven’t ever felt like this before, grief so consuming. 

I have overwhelming respect for those people in my life that have lost young loved ones and managed to look like they are carrying on. I realise now how much energy it must take to just be “normal”. uRghhh I hate that word “normal”!

So yesterday I didn’t cry for Gav and I felt guilty for allowing my thoughts to be on me and it felt selfish.  I think perhaps I am now officially a crazy person. I don’t want to move on, I know he wouldn’t want us to be like we are but it’s easier said than done. We are all in such pain. 

I wonder if he watches over us and is annoyed, or if he realises the total mess we are in is testament to how much we loved him. I don’t want to do a day with out crying for him!! I know life goes on, but this version of life is different to before, somethings missing, we aren’t the same. Our hearts are just completely broken.  

⭐️⭐️❤️❤️💔💔

Juggling “being normal” and grief 

Weekends if I stand still for too long I am plagued with thoughts and memories of Gavin. I don’t mind the happy ones, in fact I love those memories, over time they come to me more and more regularly. But the bad ones, the ones that cut me in two, those are the ones I could do without. 

It never occurred to me that loosing someone so close to me would be this hard. I knew it would hurt, but simply getting out of bed on a morning is proving to be far more difficult than it should be. Then I feel guilty because I know I am not the only one, not the one even feeling it the worst. But still my grief is drowning me at the moment. I miss being able to just talk to him, to even send a text which would possibly get a reply or possibly not depending on how busy he was. An unanswered text would be amazing now, to think that he would be too busy to reply, out having too much fun. That would be awesome. 

Many people talk about the stages of grief, but I am not feeling them in stages at all!! I can’t get past total heartbreak, anger creeps in but nothing overshadows the heartbreak. I feel like I am screaming inside, all the time. I do a great job of “normal” as we all are doing. But then something small will happen and I am hit with a tsunami of tears. 

It’s not even been four months, so maybe I am being hard on myself. All I know is as time moves on, that time passing makes it worse. Why isn’t everything stopping? Don’t they know who died?! 

The most awesome sparkling light was taken, our warrior, our hero, our star – just gone. There is no better anymore. There are just years and years of learning to live without him. How do we do that?  

Gavin has given me the strength to find the courage to try again for children, to take control while I can. I hope he knows what an inspiration he was to me, to all of us. On my very worst days where I want to eat my body weight in Pizza, something we both enjoyed doing, I remind myself of that promise I made to him. It makes saying no a little easier. 

I will continue to fighter everyday to get this weight off. To channel my grief into something good!

🌟💔❤️🌟

Why I don’t like photos of myself

  
I posted this image on my Facebook and Instagram accounts. 

I was over 19 stone in the left picture. 

I loaded it and deleted it four or five times   before sharing it because neither image is appealing to look at. 

The left one reminds me of a time where I felt totally hopeless, the failure to conceive and carry a child weighed on me.  I look at the left one and it reminds me of how totally lost I was. So very desperate for a child, to do the one thing a woman should. 

It was soon after this picture that we had our first appointment with the fertility doctor. I stood on the scales for the first time in a very long time. Some how I had jumped from 13 stone to over 19!!

It was that slap in the face that I needed at that time and motivated me to loose the first lot of weight. Of cause it’s hard when you have a love of food and I got a bit too big for my knickers!! I felt confidant and looked better than I had in a while and started to slip. 

You know the story it’s not a unique one!

So this time I will keep this image to look at, as much as its hard to do so, it reminds me how far I have come but the right image reminds me that I still have a way to go. 

They say nothing  in life worth having is easy, for some having a family is just that – easy. The hard work starts when the bundle of joy is with them. My hard work started with the loss of our first baby and I feel like I am still battling. 

It’s nice to finally have the motivation to fight, winning isn’t just about the baby but about looking at myself and not feeling like a failure. Every lb lost, every inch gone is a small victory. Maybe one day I will look at both of these images and feel proud. I really hope that. 

🌟🌟🌟

Motivation from grief!

I am surprising myself at how focused I am still after a month of clean eating! 

Normally I always find an excuse but the sad thing is the pain I feel from the grief of loosing my cousin is giving me razor sharp focus. Something I haven’t felt before. 

When someone you know looses a loved one of cause you feel sad for them, you tell them how sorry you are and think how awful that would be but you move on with your day. 

People will often say “I know just how you feel!” But the truth is no one really can because grief is such a personal thing. We all feel it differently, we all deal differently and there is no right way to get through it. I never imagined just how hard it would be for me.  

I feel like I have an internal monster inside my chest, some days it’s quiet and bareable, other days it stretches out filling me, it scratches and claws at me until I’m raw. This weekend its clawed me to pieces. 

I once read you felt grief in waves – this is so true for me. One moment I am fine talking about happy memories, next I’m a sobbing mess in our local pizza place because he will never be in here with me again laughing and joking waiting for his parmo, feeling like a crazy person. 

The final piece was fitted to his grave today, the headstone. Seeing his name engraved beautifully on that stone just breaks me. It’s not like it didn’t feel final before, it did. But seeing that stone, those gold letters, the years that are just so short it makes me angry, there should be so much more time on that date!! 27 is too young! It just completely breaks me. 

  
It’s beautiful, it’s bling which he would have loved. My aunt and family did an amazing job. 

Normally this would be a time for me to jump back into my bad habits. I want to. I want to order food and eat until I don’t feel empty. The truth of cause is that it won’t ever work. Having now felt grief like this first hand, I don’t believe the empty goes or that you “get over it” I think you simply learn to live with the hole created by the loss. 

Today after a wonderful lunch with my family – which I refused desert!!! Yay me!! I came home and did some food prep for the week ahead. Planned some meals an cooked some low cal chilli. 

   
 
Preparation and pre planning is so important for me to have a good week. I am weakest around dinner time, so if I don’t know what I am eating once I get home from work or even worse I don’t have the food in….takeaway here I come. 

I have some lovely food planned in for this week. All including my new addiction which is hot sauce, pretty much replacing any sauces I would normally use that are calorific. 

  
My new best friends. Haha!!

So even after what was a hard weekend I have clung onto my motivation. I found something else that was more important to me than food. My love of my family, making them and my husband proud.  

One stone seven pounds down at the moment. Let’s see what this week brings. 

😇😇🌟🌟🌟 xoxo

A new beginning 

So the last year has taught me that there may not always be a tomorrow. To live for today. Have no regrets. 

While that’s all very lovely and greetings cardy – it’s not reality.  

I want to live each day to the very fullest. To honour Gavin (see previous posts) and his memory doing all the things I was scared to do but it’s not easy. The thing I am most scared of …. Losing weight. 

I can’t have children, or at least I can’t cultivate a healthy pregnancy – my body just doesn’t like it. I have PCOS – have a little read of some of my previous posts for back story. We have had a rough ride trying to have a family.  

My weight first became an issue about eight years ago, I always was a chunky monkey but I picked up a takeaway addiction. On the weight went, always easier to go on than it is to come off. I wish I had known that when I was younger. 

With each failed pregnancy came heartbreak and in turn more eating to fill the very empty space inside me. I am here to tell you it doesn’t work. Food is not your friend but my will power was low so on and on it went. 

There are no excuses. I simply have lost my way. 

On many occasions in the past I have tried and succeeded to a certain extent. I love fresh food, vegetables, salads, fruits and all the lean meats ( I don’t do skin or fat 😝😝😝!!) but equally I loved the bad stuff and somehow in my world those calorie choices have always won! 
When the fertility treatment I was allowed failed us, my weight became an issue. There was no more treatment for a chunky monkey. 

I was mad, bigger women get pregnant every day, why did I have to do it?!? I resented it! But I realise now I am scared. 

What if I loose the weight and it still doesn’t work? What if I am still a failure as a woman? What if I truly can never have kids. You see for as long as I am bigger I can always blame the fat. If it’s gone and I am still not pregnant – then what?? 

I realise this may sound crazy to those sane of you out there but welcome to the world that is my inner monologue. 

So loosing my cousin made me realise, I have to be brave and try. If I don’t then I will regret it! There will come a time when having children is simply not a choice. 

One month ago I changed my habits. No more full fat cokes, no more ice creams, no more takeaways, no more naughty treats!! It’s time to get real! 

I have lost just over a stone and feel great but I still have a ways to go but I am trying my hardest. It’s time to make the best use of this beautiful countryside. 

  
Wish me luck 🌟🌟😇😇❤️❤️

It’s been a while …

Firstly I want to apologise for the radio silence the last few months. I can honestly say that this last year of my life has been the worst…. Ever….

Last year I wrote about my cousin and his fight with Leukemia. Soon after that blog he was told he was in remission, sadly four weeks later he was back at James Cook hospital having a brain tumour removed and about to under go more treatment. 

Gavin was so strong, no matter how many tests returned with bad news or treatment plans, chemo, radiation and so on were thrown at him, he continued to fight and smile. 

During the last few radiation treatments in December he became ill again. 

 Two days before Christmas we found out that the Leukemia had returned and that it was terminal. 

We were going to loose him. At 27 years old one of the most brilliant sparkling lights I had ever known had to leave us. 

I have lost grandparents to cancer, finding out that we had to say goodbye to my little cousin, someone I saw more as a little brother  was different. Que full melt down. I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t want to believe it ….. How could we ever say goodbye.  

Immediately my stomach rejected the lunch I had just eaten, and worst of all I had to watch his sister, my cousin break the news to us and her heart. 

I cried. I cried for Gavin, I cried for his partner of 9 years, I cried for my Aunt and Uncle who are amazing wonderful people and didn’t deserve this heartbreak. I cried for his sister.  

I am not a cryer, but since then the tears just haven’t stopped.

He came home for his last Christmas, still not really believing it was real! Constantly searching or hoping for a glimmer of a miricle something to save his life. 

It never came. 

  
On the 20th of January 2016 the bravest person I ever had the privilege of knowing left this world and gained his angel wings. In the process he took a peice of us all with him. 

I can’t describe the pain that followed and still is with us, we are totally broken. He’s left a massive hole in our lives. 

I wanted to share this because I feel ready to start to write again but also to tell the world about Gavin, the beautiful brave warrior that fought this shitty illness to his last breath. 

He is my inspiration to live life as well as I can, to never forget the importance of one more day.

To quote a recent meme I read on Facebook. 

If love could have kept you alive, you would have lived forever. 

Be thankful for everyday you have, even the bad ones. Appreciate your loved ones …. Make the time to see them!!

Until next time ❤️🌟

 
 

 

It’s ok …… It’s really ok

Its been a while since I have put pen to paper, in truth this has taken me hours to complete.

The truth is I am drowning in my grief.  

I can’t tell you why this miscarriage is worse than the others, but it is. I can’t tell you why I feel so angry that I want to smash up every pot and pan in my house, but I do. Mostly I can’t tell you why this time the tears just seem never ending, I loathe the self pity I am feeling and the logical part of me screams – get a grip – but I can’t!!! 

Quiet is not my friend, if I have too much quiet I have time to think and analyse everything. So I’m filling my time with noise!

We recently found out someone close to us is pregnant. I should feel joy but with one month between our babies all I see is an endless amount of milestones that I won’t get with my baby but I will be reminded of, scans, growing tummies, knitted booties, balloons and banners! The wound is so deep now I don’t know how to heal it. 

I want to be happy for them, I’m angry at another thing this condition has taken from me. At a time I should be excited for them, I’m so consumed with grief for my baby I can’t breath and I can’t be happy.  That’s not fair to them and then the guilt kicks in. 

It’s such a lonely place to be. I have support but it’s hard for people to comfort me. I feel like I am completely alone and I know I will be allowed a certain amount of space to be upset but at some point I know people will expect me to be ok, if I keep saying I’m ok maybe one day I will believe it. 

I’m so over this feeling – 11 years of desperately wanting something, the ups and downs of almost getting it and then it being ripped away. Months of truly painful cycles that seem useless. 

The ache is so intense now it feels exhausting to keep this act up of I’m ok. I hope it doesn’t last. 

I have some great kids in my life, I love them so much but it’s not the same. As mad as you may think I am but – I will never know how hard night feeds are, I will never be the one a child runs to first when they are hurt or ill. I won’t feel the joy of watching my baby sleep on my husbands chest. The pride of first days of school. 

My god daughter who is 5 was staying over at our house with her three sibling asked me,

“Why are there no toys at your house?”

She was deadly serious, her little eyes all confused. I told her because we don’t have kids. 

She paused and thought about it for a while, little brow still drawn in confusion she replies,

“But you have us, we are your kids too!!”

It was such a bitter sweet moment. I love my best friends kids, she has four and they are beautiful little people. We spend a lot of time with them and I love having them stay. It melts my heart that this little beauty cut through my pain with one hug and sentence. 

So I know I will love this new baby I hope it will help to mend my Swiss cheese heart. I just hope it’s soon. 

I will get past it but for now just quiet between you my lovely reader and I, I am remembering my lost babies and allowing the grief in. I hope that doing this will give me the strength to move forward. 

I’ll never forget you little bean, I never got to name you or hold your hand. But I will hold you in my heart forever. 

Until next time xoxox 

Passing time. Pulling myself together!

So it’s been a week. While I have been dealing with losing our baby, I have had a lot of time to kill recovering. I spent a lot time editing pics and I thought I would share them here. 

 

County Bridge Barnard Castle
 
 I have a couple of more meaty blogs but I am struggling to finish them at the moment, my concentrations not great so hopefully you can forgive me and they will be with you soon.  Until then hopefully you will enjoy these xoxo

woodland near to my house
Barnard castle, County Bridge
  

High Force, Teesdale
High Force, Teesdale
    

woodland next to High Force waterfalll, i always imagine fairies and woodland creatures
woodland near where I live
The castle walls
Inside the Castle
Inside the Castle
View point from the castle walls
The view from Barnard Castle walls

Moving forward

So it’s been a weird sort of few days. The decision to share the news about us loosing another pregnancy was not one that was made easily. Tears filled most of the last post, but I am pleased I shared it with you. The love and support has been amazing and while I’m still not ready to face the real world I am so appreciative of the support and love shown to me. 

I feel terrible if I am honest, the thought of working tomorrow fills me with the type of dread Sunday evenings can bring. It’s a tricky one because I work from home so effectively I can work from bed but I work in advertising sales for media, deadlines and targets – I am not ready for. 

I am incredibly empty inside. After multiple losses and thinking I had finally come around to the idea of never having children, to find out it happened again I am lost. It felt like it was the last chance. I have all of the usual questions. 

What if I hadn’t stressed about work so much?

What if I hadn’t been out last weekend?

What did I eat? Is it my diet? 

Logically I know enough to know it’s none of these things, but my heart ……. ooh my heart disagrees. 

But the fact remains I am grateful, for my husband mostly, my mum and family, my best mate Amanda, my friends and anyone that’s messaged me or sent love over the last couple of days. 

To anyone suffering alone, please find someone to talk to. I’m not saying what I have done is for everyone but believe me when I say suffering alone isn’t a good choice. I have done that the last couple of times – I didn’t tell anyone and I feel like this time I am baring all of the heartache at once. Find someone you can talk to, scream, cry, shout, let it out of you. 

Apologies for the off topic couple of posts, we will resume normal service next week. For now a couple of edited pics that have kept me occupied. 
 

Rome
  
Rainbow
  
Lola hasnt left my side ❤️
  
River by my house
  
tree within Raby Castle and maybe fairies?? 😁
  
Flower at Smithsonian Zoo Washington DC
      
Lola on guard next to me