Why I don’t like photos of myself

  
I posted this image on my Facebook and Instagram accounts. 

I was over 19 stone in the left picture. 

I loaded it and deleted it four or five times   before sharing it because neither image is appealing to look at. 

The left one reminds me of a time where I felt totally hopeless, the failure to conceive and carry a child weighed on me.  I look at the left one and it reminds me of how totally lost I was. So very desperate for a child, to do the one thing a woman should. 

It was soon after this picture that we had our first appointment with the fertility doctor. I stood on the scales for the first time in a very long time. Some how I had jumped from 13 stone to over 19!!

It was that slap in the face that I needed at that time and motivated me to loose the first lot of weight. Of cause it’s hard when you have a love of food and I got a bit too big for my knickers!! I felt confidant and looked better than I had in a while and started to slip. 

You know the story it’s not a unique one!

So this time I will keep this image to look at, as much as its hard to do so, it reminds me how far I have come but the right image reminds me that I still have a way to go. 

They say nothing  in life worth having is easy, for some having a family is just that – easy. The hard work starts when the bundle of joy is with them. My hard work started with the loss of our first baby and I feel like I am still battling. 

It’s nice to finally have the motivation to fight, winning isn’t just about the baby but about looking at myself and not feeling like a failure. Every lb lost, every inch gone is a small victory. Maybe one day I will look at both of these images and feel proud. I really hope that. 

🌟🌟🌟

Pulling it back! High five me!!

I mentioned earlier this week that I was having a few issues – food issues. I had a couple of slips and usually that’s just the beginning of the end. 

NOT THIS TIME MY FRIENDS!

I really think the key for me is to get it right the moment I get up! If I eat the right breakfast I seem to find the motivation to continue on the path for the day. 

The other thing that helps me is planning  – seems like a really basic thing to say but how many of us do this? I would suggest that those of us that are healthy eaters probably do this more than not. I really want to me one of these people ….. Induct me into your club please!!

Sadly I’m often the one scrating around in the fridge late on an evening after a hard day at work …. Quickly deciding that takeaway is the only way forward! 

I’m so much more in control this time. 

If you are reading this thinking – I wish I could get my act together, like I have done so many times before when reading other peoples journey – I want to say to you, you can do it! I’m a long way off being in a position to say “Look at me how I have done” 😝😝😝 cringe!! 

But you can! You just need to start with one meal on one day, a day at a time. By all means join me heaven knows I need the help!! Support me to get our baby! Lol!

So another pound off this week even with the naughty treats! One stone 8 pounds off in total! 

I got into a pair of jeans that were too small this time two months ago – it’s the little goals as well as the large one that are important. They keep me motivated!

Xoxo

A new beginningΒ 

So the last year has taught me that there may not always be a tomorrow. To live for today. Have no regrets. 

While that’s all very lovely and greetings cardy – it’s not reality.  

I want to live each day to the very fullest. To honour Gavin (see previous posts) and his memory doing all the things I was scared to do but it’s not easy. The thing I am most scared of …. Losing weight. 

I can’t have children, or at least I can’t cultivate a healthy pregnancy – my body just doesn’t like it. I have PCOS – have a little read of some of my previous posts for back story. We have had a rough ride trying to have a family.  

My weight first became an issue about eight years ago, I always was a chunky monkey but I picked up a takeaway addiction. On the weight went, always easier to go on than it is to come off. I wish I had known that when I was younger. 

With each failed pregnancy came heartbreak and in turn more eating to fill the very empty space inside me. I am here to tell you it doesn’t work. Food is not your friend but my will power was low so on and on it went. 

There are no excuses. I simply have lost my way. 

On many occasions in the past I have tried and succeeded to a certain extent. I love fresh food, vegetables, salads, fruits and all the lean meats ( I don’t do skin or fat 😝😝😝!!) but equally I loved the bad stuff and somehow in my world those calorie choices have always won! 
When the fertility treatment I was allowed failed us, my weight became an issue. There was no more treatment for a chunky monkey. 

I was mad, bigger women get pregnant every day, why did I have to do it?!? I resented it! But I realise now I am scared. 

What if I loose the weight and it still doesn’t work? What if I am still a failure as a woman? What if I truly can never have kids. You see for as long as I am bigger I can always blame the fat. If it’s gone and I am still not pregnant – then what?? 

I realise this may sound crazy to those sane of you out there but welcome to the world that is my inner monologue. 

So loosing my cousin made me realise, I have to be brave and try. If I don’t then I will regret it! There will come a time when having children is simply not a choice. 

One month ago I changed my habits. No more full fat cokes, no more ice creams, no more takeaways, no more naughty treats!! It’s time to get real! 

I have lost just over a stone and feel great but I still have a ways to go but I am trying my hardest. It’s time to make the best use of this beautiful countryside. 

  
Wish me luck πŸŒŸπŸŒŸπŸ˜‡πŸ˜‡β€οΈβ€οΈ