Memories that hurt 

I was always a glass half full sort of person. Since we lost my cousin this year I have been finding it harder and harder to find the good in things. 

I hate cancer like it was a person! A person I want to beat and kick and scream and shout at. I want to know why it took him! I feel like it took a peice of me with it too. I want to know why it wanted to hurt my family so badly. Why us?? 

Yesterday I realised was the first full day I had gone without crying. Today when I thought about this, I sobbed for a half hour. 

Back in January when he was first taken from us the notion that I would go a day with out crying seemed unlikely. I didn’t want to because would that then mean I am forgetting? Logically I know this isn’t true. I think about him and my family’s pain every day. But still the fact I didn’t cry seemed to cause hurt as well. 

It’s true when they, whomever they are, say that it comes in waves. Some days I hold it together ok, tears are usually last or first thing in a day. The middle bit we all slap on our brave faces and try to do normal. The tears are brought on by a memory or picture or just the ache that’s been so present since the moment we found out it was Leukemia. 

Yesterday I was distracted, I was worried about a scan I had to have at the hospital. Recently I have had cysts causing me pain in places you don’t wanna know. So at the moment they are investigating the next steps to take, the problem for me with scans is that it transports me instantly back to loosing some of my pregnancies. 

The whole thing from start to finish, the waiting room with expectant mothers blooming with their healthy pregnancies to the scan it’s self and being in the position again on that bed. 

I haven’t ever suffered with depression or anxiety but I think the truly awful year we have had has nudged me closer to feeling these things. 

Laying there yesterday with yet another nurse looking at my insides and clicking away pointing at the abnormalities on my dysfunctional baby machine. I started to feel sick and shaky and very emotional, I wanted to jump off that bed and run for it. Every bad experience I have had in this situation weighed on me. 

I rarely let the pain out of its little lock box in my brain regarding the failings to get pregnant and keep the baby. I try to continue and not let it consume me. Recently the memories are leaking out more frequently and it’s been hard but frustrating because I am normally so in control. Little triggers around me all the time set off some monumental meltdowns. I don’t know if this is still my grief, like a side effect that all the bad experiences are pouring out of me. I haven’t ever felt like this before, grief so consuming. 

I have overwhelming respect for those people in my life that have lost young loved ones and managed to look like they are carrying on. I realise now how much energy it must take to just be “normal”. uRghhh I hate that word “normal”!

So yesterday I didn’t cry for Gav and I felt guilty for allowing my thoughts to be on me and it felt selfish.  I think perhaps I am now officially a crazy person. I don’t want to move on, I know he wouldn’t want us to be like we are but it’s easier said than done. We are all in such pain. 

I wonder if he watches over us and is annoyed, or if he realises the total mess we are in is testament to how much we loved him. I don’t want to do a day with out crying for him!! I know life goes on, but this version of life is different to before, somethings missing, we aren’t the same. Our hearts are just completely broken.  

⭐️⭐️❤️❤️💔💔

Advertisements

Juggling “being normal” and grief 

Weekends if I stand still for too long I am plagued with thoughts and memories of Gavin. I don’t mind the happy ones, in fact I love those memories, over time they come to me more and more regularly. But the bad ones, the ones that cut me in two, those are the ones I could do without. 

It never occurred to me that loosing someone so close to me would be this hard. I knew it would hurt, but simply getting out of bed on a morning is proving to be far more difficult than it should be. Then I feel guilty because I know I am not the only one, not the one even feeling it the worst. But still my grief is drowning me at the moment. I miss being able to just talk to him, to even send a text which would possibly get a reply or possibly not depending on how busy he was. An unanswered text would be amazing now, to think that he would be too busy to reply, out having too much fun. That would be awesome. 

Many people talk about the stages of grief, but I am not feeling them in stages at all!! I can’t get past total heartbreak, anger creeps in but nothing overshadows the heartbreak. I feel like I am screaming inside, all the time. I do a great job of “normal” as we all are doing. But then something small will happen and I am hit with a tsunami of tears. 

It’s not even been four months, so maybe I am being hard on myself. All I know is as time moves on, that time passing makes it worse. Why isn’t everything stopping? Don’t they know who died?! 

The most awesome sparkling light was taken, our warrior, our hero, our star – just gone. There is no better anymore. There are just years and years of learning to live without him. How do we do that?  

Gavin has given me the strength to find the courage to try again for children, to take control while I can. I hope he knows what an inspiration he was to me, to all of us. On my very worst days where I want to eat my body weight in Pizza, something we both enjoyed doing, I remind myself of that promise I made to him. It makes saying no a little easier. 

I will continue to fighter everyday to get this weight off. To channel my grief into something good!

🌟💔❤️🌟

Motivation from grief!

I am surprising myself at how focused I am still after a month of clean eating! 

Normally I always find an excuse but the sad thing is the pain I feel from the grief of loosing my cousin is giving me razor sharp focus. Something I haven’t felt before. 

When someone you know looses a loved one of cause you feel sad for them, you tell them how sorry you are and think how awful that would be but you move on with your day. 

People will often say “I know just how you feel!” But the truth is no one really can because grief is such a personal thing. We all feel it differently, we all deal differently and there is no right way to get through it. I never imagined just how hard it would be for me.  

I feel like I have an internal monster inside my chest, some days it’s quiet and bareable, other days it stretches out filling me, it scratches and claws at me until I’m raw. This weekend its clawed me to pieces. 

I once read you felt grief in waves – this is so true for me. One moment I am fine talking about happy memories, next I’m a sobbing mess in our local pizza place because he will never be in here with me again laughing and joking waiting for his parmo, feeling like a crazy person. 

The final piece was fitted to his grave today, the headstone. Seeing his name engraved beautifully on that stone just breaks me. It’s not like it didn’t feel final before, it did. But seeing that stone, those gold letters, the years that are just so short it makes me angry, there should be so much more time on that date!! 27 is too young! It just completely breaks me. 

  
It’s beautiful, it’s bling which he would have loved. My aunt and family did an amazing job. 

Normally this would be a time for me to jump back into my bad habits. I want to. I want to order food and eat until I don’t feel empty. The truth of cause is that it won’t ever work. Having now felt grief like this first hand, I don’t believe the empty goes or that you “get over it” I think you simply learn to live with the hole created by the loss. 

Today after a wonderful lunch with my family – which I refused desert!!! Yay me!! I came home and did some food prep for the week ahead. Planned some meals an cooked some low cal chilli. 

   
 
Preparation and pre planning is so important for me to have a good week. I am weakest around dinner time, so if I don’t know what I am eating once I get home from work or even worse I don’t have the food in….takeaway here I come. 

I have some lovely food planned in for this week. All including my new addiction which is hot sauce, pretty much replacing any sauces I would normally use that are calorific. 

  
My new best friends. Haha!!

So even after what was a hard weekend I have clung onto my motivation. I found something else that was more important to me than food. My love of my family, making them and my husband proud.  

One stone seven pounds down at the moment. Let’s see what this week brings. 

😇😇🌟🌟🌟 xoxo