Memories that hurt 

I was always a glass half full sort of person. Since we lost my cousin this year I have been finding it harder and harder to find the good in things. 

I hate cancer like it was a person! A person I want to beat and kick and scream and shout at. I want to know why it took him! I feel like it took a peice of me with it too. I want to know why it wanted to hurt my family so badly. Why us?? 

Yesterday I realised was the first full day I had gone without crying. Today when I thought about this, I sobbed for a half hour. 

Back in January when he was first taken from us the notion that I would go a day with out crying seemed unlikely. I didn’t want to because would that then mean I am forgetting? Logically I know this isn’t true. I think about him and my family’s pain every day. But still the fact I didn’t cry seemed to cause hurt as well. 

It’s true when they, whomever they are, say that it comes in waves. Some days I hold it together ok, tears are usually last or first thing in a day. The middle bit we all slap on our brave faces and try to do normal. The tears are brought on by a memory or picture or just the ache that’s been so present since the moment we found out it was Leukemia. 

Yesterday I was distracted, I was worried about a scan I had to have at the hospital. Recently I have had cysts causing me pain in places you don’t wanna know. So at the moment they are investigating the next steps to take, the problem for me with scans is that it transports me instantly back to loosing some of my pregnancies. 

The whole thing from start to finish, the waiting room with expectant mothers blooming with their healthy pregnancies to the scan it’s self and being in the position again on that bed. 

I haven’t ever suffered with depression or anxiety but I think the truly awful year we have had has nudged me closer to feeling these things. 

Laying there yesterday with yet another nurse looking at my insides and clicking away pointing at the abnormalities on my dysfunctional baby machine. I started to feel sick and shaky and very emotional, I wanted to jump off that bed and run for it. Every bad experience I have had in this situation weighed on me. 

I rarely let the pain out of its little lock box in my brain regarding the failings to get pregnant and keep the baby. I try to continue and not let it consume me. Recently the memories are leaking out more frequently and it’s been hard but frustrating because I am normally so in control. Little triggers around me all the time set off some monumental meltdowns. I don’t know if this is still my grief, like a side effect that all the bad experiences are pouring out of me. I haven’t ever felt like this before, grief so consuming. 

I have overwhelming respect for those people in my life that have lost young loved ones and managed to look like they are carrying on. I realise now how much energy it must take to just be “normal”. uRghhh I hate that word “normal”!

So yesterday I didn’t cry for Gav and I felt guilty for allowing my thoughts to be on me and it felt selfish.  I think perhaps I am now officially a crazy person. I don’t want to move on, I know he wouldn’t want us to be like we are but it’s easier said than done. We are all in such pain. 

I wonder if he watches over us and is annoyed, or if he realises the total mess we are in is testament to how much we loved him. I don’t want to do a day with out crying for him!! I know life goes on, but this version of life is different to before, somethings missing, we aren’t the same. Our hearts are just completely broken.  

⭐️⭐️❤️❤️💔💔

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Juggling “being normal” and grief 

Weekends if I stand still for too long I am plagued with thoughts and memories of Gavin. I don’t mind the happy ones, in fact I love those memories, over time they come to me more and more regularly. But the bad ones, the ones that cut me in two, those are the ones I could do without. 

It never occurred to me that loosing someone so close to me would be this hard. I knew it would hurt, but simply getting out of bed on a morning is proving to be far more difficult than it should be. Then I feel guilty because I know I am not the only one, not the one even feeling it the worst. But still my grief is drowning me at the moment. I miss being able to just talk to him, to even send a text which would possibly get a reply or possibly not depending on how busy he was. An unanswered text would be amazing now, to think that he would be too busy to reply, out having too much fun. That would be awesome. 

Many people talk about the stages of grief, but I am not feeling them in stages at all!! I can’t get past total heartbreak, anger creeps in but nothing overshadows the heartbreak. I feel like I am screaming inside, all the time. I do a great job of “normal” as we all are doing. But then something small will happen and I am hit with a tsunami of tears. 

It’s not even been four months, so maybe I am being hard on myself. All I know is as time moves on, that time passing makes it worse. Why isn’t everything stopping? Don’t they know who died?! 

The most awesome sparkling light was taken, our warrior, our hero, our star – just gone. There is no better anymore. There are just years and years of learning to live without him. How do we do that?  

Gavin has given me the strength to find the courage to try again for children, to take control while I can. I hope he knows what an inspiration he was to me, to all of us. On my very worst days where I want to eat my body weight in Pizza, something we both enjoyed doing, I remind myself of that promise I made to him. It makes saying no a little easier. 

I will continue to fighter everyday to get this weight off. To channel my grief into something good!

🌟💔❤️🌟

It’s been a while …

Firstly I want to apologise for the radio silence the last few months. I can honestly say that this last year of my life has been the worst…. Ever….

Last year I wrote about my cousin and his fight with Leukemia. Soon after that blog he was told he was in remission, sadly four weeks later he was back at James Cook hospital having a brain tumour removed and about to under go more treatment. 

Gavin was so strong, no matter how many tests returned with bad news or treatment plans, chemo, radiation and so on were thrown at him, he continued to fight and smile. 

During the last few radiation treatments in December he became ill again. 

 Two days before Christmas we found out that the Leukemia had returned and that it was terminal. 

We were going to loose him. At 27 years old one of the most brilliant sparkling lights I had ever known had to leave us. 

I have lost grandparents to cancer, finding out that we had to say goodbye to my little cousin, someone I saw more as a little brother  was different. Que full melt down. I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t want to believe it ….. How could we ever say goodbye.  

Immediately my stomach rejected the lunch I had just eaten, and worst of all I had to watch his sister, my cousin break the news to us and her heart. 

I cried. I cried for Gavin, I cried for his partner of 9 years, I cried for my Aunt and Uncle who are amazing wonderful people and didn’t deserve this heartbreak. I cried for his sister.  

I am not a cryer, but since then the tears just haven’t stopped.

He came home for his last Christmas, still not really believing it was real! Constantly searching or hoping for a glimmer of a miricle something to save his life. 

It never came. 

  
On the 20th of January 2016 the bravest person I ever had the privilege of knowing left this world and gained his angel wings. In the process he took a peice of us all with him. 

I can’t describe the pain that followed and still is with us, we are totally broken. He’s left a massive hole in our lives. 

I wanted to share this because I feel ready to start to write again but also to tell the world about Gavin, the beautiful brave warrior that fought this shitty illness to his last breath. 

He is my inspiration to live life as well as I can, to never forget the importance of one more day.

To quote a recent meme I read on Facebook. 

If love could have kept you alive, you would have lived forever. 

Be thankful for everyday you have, even the bad ones. Appreciate your loved ones …. Make the time to see them!!

Until next time ❤️🌟