A trip to Edinburgh, crazy few hours.Β 

My husband works all over the UK. August is one of the busiest months of the year so he is often working over the weekend. When he told me he was headed up to Edinburgh for the day Saturday, I took the opportunity to spend some extra time with him but also take in the sights. I took my 14 year old niece along for company too!!

Our alarm rang out at 4am, I started to regret my decision and wondered how much could I really get done in a day….. Maybe staying in my nice warm bed would be a better choice?!?  The traveller in me screamed NO!! Get up lazy bones!!! 

So up we got and made a half hearted attempt at making myself look presentable, we bundled into our car and off we went on the three hour trek!!

Once I shake the sleep off and start to feel more human less Zombie, I really love this time of day. Watching the sun rise in our beautiful countryside is always worth being awake at stupid o’clock. 


Once we arrive in Edinburgh, I start to feel excited!! I have been before but never in summer. The smell of the yeast and malt that fills the air instantly transports me to Christmas time which was the last time we were here. I am reminded of gingerbread latte and twinkling lights. This time we had the Fringe and Tattoo atmosphere. It gives the city a totally different and exciting feel!


My earlier blogs will tell you that this year we are trying to lose weight and get fit. The lose weight is going ok, the get fit …..hmmm not so well!! I mention this because we park the car near the job, and I say … “It’s ok we will walk into the centre!!” Off we go! We follow the well sign posted tourist attraction signs. Forty minutes later we are standing below the castle and my face is resembling a tomato!! Three miles down already and it’s only 8.40am!!


There is a great mix of high street shops and boutiques here. I love it. We are coming back in October for a week so will be looking forward to spending some more time exploring the shops. For this day however it was about cramming as much into the hours we were there as possible and remembering I am with a forteen year old who may not like the same things as me. 


After giving the fourteen year old an appropriate amount of shop time, where I felt incredibly old as most of the styles were from my teenage years in the 90s so if the fashion has come around again …. I must be old lol!! Moving swiftly on!!!!

We had only a couple of hours left and I had read somewhere that deep in old town was in fact the grave of Tom Riddle the name that inspired one of my favourite authors to name a villain in her book …. Voldemort in Harry Potter. I am such a massive fan so of cause we had to go see!! By this time we had clocked up seven miles and the old hips were singing a bit, did we let that stop us?!? Of cause not!!!!!

After another couple of miles, we arrived at Greyfriars Kirk and its famous gravestones. It wasn’t just the appeal of the famous grave. 


It was also my addiction to graveyards. I don’t know why but I find something so beautiful in the old headstones, some lavish and well crafted almost transport you back to that time. I love the history in those old graveyards and this one had some great examples. Including the caged plots that prevented body snatching and grave robbing. 


There is a folk tale that within Greyfriars that it has a poltogiest oh and a ghost dog called Bobby, the poltogiest can be found in the oldest part of the graveyard. Locked up only accessible if you pay to go on the tour, a fact that has me a little skeptical, and when we reach this section there are plastic skulls with lights for eyes on the entrance and I am not convinced. Either way I had a chance to snap and image through the gates without being attacked!!


We passed the last hour before being picked up here, it was peaceful and interesting. I snapped a couple of great pics and though brief, our time here made my excitement for our return trip in October much higher. Edinburgh has so much more to share with me. Can’t wait!! 

   

How exciting is a smiley face?!!!

This morning I peed on a stick and it made me happier than I have been in a long time. 

I share a lot of my life particularly the fertility issues online as I have found such support from others in my position, but in truth this morning I shared my joy because I was excited!! My Facebook post was instantly filled with love and excitement from my friends and family. 

For all these years of trying for a baby, I have peed on a LOT of sticks, Clearblue more than others and the results always upset me. I have had so many negatives that the little empty circle on the ovulation kits or the not pregnant flashing on a pregnancy test, I have become numb to it. I expect the negative. This mornings peak was amazing!!!

To be clear my stick didn’t tell me I was pregnant. It told me I am ovulating. I have PCOS and those digital tests have NEVER in all these years told me I am ovulating!!! I was excited like I was pregnant!!! I did a little happy dance in the bathroom and instantly decided to share. 

I have people in my life I have never met. They read my blogs or follow me on Instagram etc. I get so many messages from people thanking me for sharing my journey. It’s for these people I am glad I did share as well as myself feeling the love. That was awesome. It’s nice to share a positive result even just the ovulation!! For some it may be hard to understand the excitement over ovulation but do as many tests as I have, that have been negative and then come back to me, see how you feel lol. 

Our journey has been a long one and there are so many “trying to conceive” stories out there most of which end in a beautiful bundle of joy. Our story hasn’t ended that way, I feel that’s a story that should be shared too. It’s a lonely road here feeling like the only one who’s body just will not do as it should. If I can make one person feel like they aren’t alone through this then I feel I am doing some good, my babies that didn’t make it aren’t gone for nothing. They live on with me and my blog in some silly way. I know that sounds nuts!! 

I am not getting ahead of myself as the chances of getting pregnant are still not great, but I guess I am trying to say don’t give up and take what ever positives you can!! That little smiley face has given me a little glimmer of hope, something I haven’t felt in a long time. Will it mean I get pregnant? Probably not but it’s still a nice feeling that it’s possible ….. I am not out of the game yet πŸ™ŠπŸ™ŠπŸ™Š!!!

Wish us baby dust!!! πŸ‘ͺπŸ‘¨β€πŸ‘©β€πŸ‘§πŸ’‘πŸ’‘

Lemon Face Challenge and PCOS.Β 

When I was around 24 I found out I had PCOS. 

I didn’t really understand what it would mean to me and my life goals. I always had an idea that I might have problems getting pregnant but I told myself I was being silly. 

If I had known what the next 12 years would bring from that day in the doctors office. I might just have reacted differently. I may have screamed and cried until I had nothing left. 

As it was, and still is to a certain degree, I believe when life gives you lemons – you make lemonade. PCOS wasn’t going to kill my dreams, I was young and had a can do attitude. 

That lasted until my first confirmed miscarriage after the diagnosis. The quiet in the room where the sonographer silently took images of my baby. I don’t think I took a breath the whole time. The click …. Click …. Click …. Continued and I just knew. No more baby, no more dream. 

Sub Fertility is only one of the side effects of this condition, and it’s not always this way for all. Some women conceive and go on to have a happy pregnancy and beautiful babies. This hasn’t been the case for me. 

Another fun side effect is difficulty loosing weight. In order to get any more help from the NHS to get pregnant you need to be a healthy BMI. I would like to say I was a perfectly healthy with a love for all things gym and broccoli. I am not. 

I love all things naughty and a chicken parmo …. With chips ….. And salad ………. Oh and garlic sauce 😁😁😁. 

I have made some great strides to loosing weight this year and hope to be at target by the end of this year early next, but the anger I feel for having to do it this way just doesn’t leave me. I am a happy chunky monkey!!!! 

I’m angry that my babies have been taken from me. I’m angry that no matter how hard I try some weeks I am still going to put that weight on. Its upsetting that I am judged for my size, though those people will never know my struggle and only see a fat lazy person. It’s frustrating that the pain I go through every single month, that cripples me to the point I am sick and pass out is for nothing. Most of all I am angry that I can’t control this and I have no choice. 

No one asks for their illnesses. I doubt most of us want the sympathy either. What I would like is for in the years to come a woman in my position would get help, to not feel alone. To find something constructive to help with the side effects, a cure would be amazing. I don’t want anyone’s heart to shatter like mine listening so hard to hear a beautiful heartbeat of my babies that will never come. 

So it’s true, life some times does throw you lemons. How you make that lemonade is up to you. For me I’m blending it up with love and laughter, making it a little easier to swallow. No I can’t  control having PCOS but I can control how I much of me I let it take. PCOS has made some of my life choices for me, but it’s not who I am, I am still me in here somewhere. 

Please share those #lemonfacechallenges out there. It might just mean the world to someone in your life. 

Xoxo 

Excuse or exercise??Β 

This weekend we had friends from the city here for a visit. I love to see the area as a tourist again as it reminds me how very lucky we are to live here. 

It was a weekend of letting our hair down and I will admit we had a couple of treats but we also exercised to! We took a lovely long walk around the area and it got me thinking …. Perhaps now is the time to add exercise to my weight loss journey! 

I am not a natural athlete, I was the one lagging behind tripping over my two left feet in PE at school. There isn’t a sport I enjoy or activity I want to do a lot of (other than dance) so how do I get this started without giving up after the first week?!? 

Well my motivation has always been Gavin, to do something positive in his memory so I am using that same drive to help me stay motivated here! 

I did a work out tonight and for the first time EVER I was able to plank and do some burpees!! I realise to those of you that work out a lot that might sound nuts but being so big it always hurt my hands and I couldn’t jump up well!! I keep saying it’s not always about the big goals and it isn’t. This week my weight stayed the same and after a few food related treats I deserve that! But being able to work out more comfortably, I will take that as a win! These little goals add up! 

I am moving into week 9 with a new incentive! What will I be able to do another month down the line ?!? 

I love the meme that says,

No matter how slow you are running, you are running circles around those sitting on the couch! 

The one that is more relivent to me is the one that says 

If I am running you better run too, I am likely running away from the zombie!! 

If today you are reading this thinking about trying to start healthy eating! Do it now, if I can anyone can! I truly mean this.  I have a fairly bad food addiction. I’m still not perfect, I make mistakes but the most important thing it to keep trying. Never give up, I learned that from the most amazing person I ever knew, my hero, my warrior – my cousin Gavin, cancer took him from us but he fought with everything he had! We all can learn from that! We all should learn from that! 

Until next time! 

Here are some shots from my walk this weekend πŸ™‚ 

Body shamers…. Mind your own damn business!!!!

I know writing in anger is probably not a good idea but I am so annoyed!!!

I follow a lot of body positive messages on social media and over time I have learned to not read the comments as they often really annoy me!! Since I have been trying my hand at healthy living  more and more of these comments pop out to taunt me. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!!!!

What ever your body shape it is no one else’s business!! We are all made beautifully different and I am yet to meet someone who is 100% guilt free healthy living  or 100% happy with their body. 

What’s even more upsetting is that people feel it’s ok to comment on feeds bashing someone for their size be that big or small!! You have no idea what that person is going through, why do you need to comment hate and anger at all?!?

I have always been brought up to believe if you have nothing nice to say do not say it at all. 

It matters what the character of the person is, if they are happy and healthy, which FYI you can not tell by looking at someone, then that’s their business!

It works for every body shape I have people call my friends “skinny bitch” feeling this was a complement. Not knowing that the person involved felt so skinny that she would do anything to put a little weight on. Others that work damn hard for their “perfect” body and they shouldn’t be shamed for that either. I don’t think I will ever be a five night a week gym person but I applaud those that have that sort of drive and commitment! 

I am a size 20 at the moment. I am working hard EVERYDAY to loose weight. Not because I want to look good in societies eyes but because the government say I can only have IVF below a certain weight. The fact that I am overweight doesn’t mean I am not beautiful, maybe not to everyone but then who is? I am beautiful to the only person I care about and that is my husband. 

The next time you feel the need to pull someone down for their size in life or on social media, think how you would feel if this was your family? Is your life so “healthy” it gives you the right to bully someone else?? 

Instead of posting a negative comment, which lets be honest shows the world more about you than it does the person you are commenting on, think again. Try a positive one, you never know you might like it!!

Social media has give us too much anonymity. We would not go up to a random person in the street and shout these things at them. Why do it here?

I started sharing on social media for support and to keep up to date with my friends and I use it a lot because I have friends all over the place. It’s been a great comfort to get the thoughts out of my head after loosing my cousin, sharing my grief at times has been something that’s stopped me from loosing my shit all together! What’s sad to see is that so many people use it for a place to speak their hatred because they are too cowardly to do that in the “real world”.

You don’t know their story, you don’t know what brought them this point in their life. If we showed more love and compassion and less hate – wouldn’t that be a better way to live? 

To anyone out there who has experiences body hate no matter your size. The only person that matters, the only one you should care about is you loving yourself. Its ok to want to make changes to your body shape, to strive for what you want but I don’t believe any dress size will truly make you happy if you do not love yourself! 

❀️✌🏻️✌🏻✌🏻❀️

What I couldn’t live without to ensure a good weight loss next week!Β 

Sunday nights seem to roll around too quickly. So as I have waved my husband off for another week working away, my thoughts turn to how I can make sure the next week is a success for weight loss. 

We had a fantastic weekend looking for new activities that didn’t include eating in restaurants. While we had an amazing time it’s time to get focused again for the week ahead! 


To make sure that I get another loss next week here’s what I can’t do without! 

Writing a meal plan for the week ahead. I make plans down to the smallest snack. If I am perfect this is all I need. Some weeks the call of the bad foods can get a little too much so I might add in a couple of treats, but the great thing with slimming world is that I can do that without too much guilt!

Bulk buying takeaway tubs has been a great idea, preparing and storing my lunches in them. 

Shopping lists which basically include mostly super speedy loss foods. 

Water …. Plenty of it! My blender bottle has become my best friend. Lemon slices in water has become the best choice for me and considering that before I started this journey I would be drinking full fat coke or Dr Pepper. I can’t believe I would much rather have water and lemon than anything else! 

My fitness pal app and my Slimming World app. Tracking what I am eating really helps me to stay focused! 

Fat free natural yogurt. I loved sauces and mayo pre health kick, so trying to find something that works for me has been challenging. I tried fat free Greek yogurt and I love it!! I do still use extra low fat Mayo every now and then but mainly I use yogurt.

Green Tea – I haven’t ever been a big hit drink person. I do love green tea and it does seem to help with the weight loss! 

Snack ideas for mid afternoon! This is my danger time around 4pm is when I would be thinking about dinner and wondering what I can have. I am most at risk of ordering takeaway food if I am really hungry!! So having snacks on hand at this time is so important.  

These are just a few useful things I am finding help me to stay on track. What helps you? I am going into week 9 now! I lost 1lb this week but after a 5lb loss last week I was concerned that I might put on so …. Phew!! 

Mental attitude is so important. I have spent so long telling myself I was useless and that I couldn’t do it because I was too far gone! It’s been a struggle to keep that voice quiet, I won’t lie she’s still in there. But I realise now that if I say I will do something, if I believe I can do it – then I can!! If I can anyone can! Here’s to a fantastic next week! 

🌟🌟❀️🌟❀️

Week seven and another 5lb off!!Β 

It may seem like a short amount of time but to me this last seven weeks has been massive. While the start to this year was the worst moment of my entire life, loosing Gav has motivated me into doing something positive. 

I am determined to make something positive out of this year and our loss. Gavin wouldn’t want us to be moping around and crying – that’s true – but I think that request is a little too hard to execute. The loss we are feeling is too great to “pull ourself together and get on with it” so I am trying to do at least one thing positive. 

My relationship with food is an emotional one. Every good or bad thing that has happened in my life has been supported with food. I love to eat, I love food! So to focus on cutting out those things I love and finding healthy replacements has not been easy. I have slipped and made bad choices, but this time I have a focus for my will power. Instead of throwing myself into a 12″ pizza for comfort I am reminding myself of how much harder Gav had to fight. 

As I start another week my will power is refreshed with this loss. We had a couple of tricky moments this week having such a good loss will hopefully prevent any from happening this week.

I have found a new love of stir fry veg with rice so a new staple with spicy chicken!! More of this please! Also as I am now doing Slimming World I can have a couple of guilt free treats …. Hello Freddo bars 😍😍😍

Wish me luck into week 8 ….. Two stone down now!! 

🌟🌟🌟

Spring cleaning my wardrobe …..Β 

I don’t know about you but having a good spring clean always helps keep my motivation going, one because I always feel like I am getting a little work out while I am doing it and two I find clothes I forgot about that I couldn’t fit into and now I can!!

Out with the old and in with the new?

This is the question!

While my positive motivated self says HELL YEAH! Throw those size 22 trousers out girl you are NOT gunna be needing them no more …. My inner confidence bitch is at this point snapping her fingers and tossing her hair like some teen movie IT girl ….meanwhile the doubter goth girl is peeping around those huge trousers saying …. But these are sooooo comfy …..what if you need them again?
So on and so on my inner monologue goes, proving first of all that I have watched far too many teen movies, but also that clearly I am not believing fully in myself. 

Even with how well I have done so far, the doubt in me burns rather brightly. 

How do we ever stop listing to that little voice? 

I have always been larger than my friends, I was often teased at school and called names. I took it on the chin and laughed it off but the reality of it was that I was hurting. I hated myself. I was ugly, I was fat – how could anyone love me?

I know this is a story that most of us as teenagers go through, too skinny, spotty, “ugly”, big ears, big nose, hair colour…… The list goes on. The problem is as a young teenager you feel like it’s only you. That all your friends are “so pretty” why can’t I be?

Even now as an adult my teenage inner voice still berates and teases me, see the laughable thing is now I realise that the boy who called me those names probably did so because he himself was insecure, he had his own issues and lashed out at me. 

I wish more than anything that I could go back and talk to that insecure little girl that was me , to tell her how great life was going to get for her and to hold on!

While I am on this weight loss journey now, make no mistake it isn’t for my appearance. Looking good is in the eye of the beholder so they say, this journey is about me getting to a point where I can have children. That’s it! Because sadly I know that being at my “perfect weight” there will still be things I hate about myself. 

I have spent so many years listening to that cruel boys words in my head and worst of all believing them. Still to this day when my own husband tells be I am beautiful I think ….”yeah but you have to say that!”

Believing you are beautiful comes from inside of you, you have to believe it yourself. It’s so much more than your dress size and your appearance. 

There are so many pressures out there in the world to”look good” that even those images used by the fashion and entertainment industry to enforce this beauty standard aren’t the truth. We are constantly being held to an unrealistic ideal of beauty. I am so pleased to see more and more plus size models such as Tess Holliday. I adore her!

We are all individuals, everyone comes in beautifully different shapes and sizes. Those commenting on you and your appearance, those keyboard warriors shouting about unhealthy images being a bad influence, it says more about them than it does you. Beauty does not come in one standard package. 

I wish more than anything that young people believe this of themselves, what ever it is you feel that makes you different or “ugly” embrace it, love it and don’t let anyone have that power over you! Care more about being a beautiful kind person!  

Will I ever truly look in the mirror and think…. Wow just perfect ….. Probably not, no! But I know I try every day to be a good person on the inside and hopefully one day that will be enough and that mean boys words will disappear! 
Another 2lbs off this week! Closing in on the two stone mark!! Surely I deserve some new clothes then?!

Until next time 🌟🌟🌟

PCOS pitfallsΒ 

I faced the scales again yesterday and somehow put 2lbs on!!

I wanted to post something about this because for some weigtloss journeys it’s loss, loss, loss in a lovely straight down line but mine, as with so many others, if I tracked it on graph would look like a twisty line resembling a three year olds drawing of a dog. 

Some weeks I deserve it, I have not been focused, I have not planned right and then that has lead to bad choices. 

This one I didn’t deserve! I kept well within my allowance. No clue why. I don’t want to moan about the difficulty of losing when you have PCOS but I feel like it does warrant mentioning so any of you lovely ladies out there going through the same thing may find the strength to dust yourself off and keep going. To know you are not alone!

I have learned there is a pattern with my losses and gains especially around my monthly cycle. It’s so very frustrating and I’m not a doctor so I don’t know if that’s the PCOS or just usual female issues as I know it effects a lot of women. However my gains can be up to 7lbs. 

If I stay focused and keep fighting forward the losses over the next two weeks are more, so over the month it’s still a great loss. It’s hard keeping that motivation when you feel like you failed yet again. 

Your attitude and self belief is key, believing that weight will go, you just need to continue as have been and trust your body to do what it needs to. That’s what I struggle with, trusting my body, I feel like it has let me down on so many occasions now. 

I’m working on PMA so today rather than slipping into “OH what’s the point” mode – I am visualising those 2lbs melting away when I next get on those scales!! 

I am imagining PCOS is a person and I am beating the living crap out of it!!!!!! PCOS isn’t making the choice of me being over weight or not – I am. It’s my body, you can’t have it any more!!!!