Why I don’t like photos of myself

  
I posted this image on my Facebook and Instagram accounts. 

I was over 19 stone in the left picture. 

I loaded it and deleted it four or five times   before sharing it because neither image is appealing to look at. 

The left one reminds me of a time where I felt totally hopeless, the failure to conceive and carry a child weighed on me.  I look at the left one and it reminds me of how totally lost I was. So very desperate for a child, to do the one thing a woman should. 

It was soon after this picture that we had our first appointment with the fertility doctor. I stood on the scales for the first time in a very long time. Some how I had jumped from 13 stone to over 19!!

It was that slap in the face that I needed at that time and motivated me to loose the first lot of weight. Of cause it’s hard when you have a love of food and I got a bit too big for my knickers!! I felt confidant and looked better than I had in a while and started to slip. 

You know the story it’s not a unique one!

So this time I will keep this image to look at, as much as its hard to do so, it reminds me how far I have come but the right image reminds me that I still have a way to go. 

They say nothing  in life worth having is easy, for some having a family is just that – easy. The hard work starts when the bundle of joy is with them. My hard work started with the loss of our first baby and I feel like I am still battling. 

It’s nice to finally have the motivation to fight, winning isn’t just about the baby but about looking at myself and not feeling like a failure. Every lb lost, every inch gone is a small victory. Maybe one day I will look at both of these images and feel proud. I really hope that. 

🌟🌟🌟

Pulling it back! High five me!!

I mentioned earlier this week that I was having a few issues – food issues. I had a couple of slips and usually that’s just the beginning of the end. 

NOT THIS TIME MY FRIENDS!

I really think the key for me is to get it right the moment I get up! If I eat the right breakfast I seem to find the motivation to continue on the path for the day. 

The other thing that helps me is planning  – seems like a really basic thing to say but how many of us do this? I would suggest that those of us that are healthy eaters probably do this more than not. I really want to me one of these people ….. Induct me into your club please!!

Sadly I’m often the one scrating around in the fridge late on an evening after a hard day at work …. Quickly deciding that takeaway is the only way forward! 

I’m so much more in control this time. 

If you are reading this thinking – I wish I could get my act together, like I have done so many times before when reading other peoples journey – I want to say to you, you can do it! I’m a long way off being in a position to say “Look at me how I have done” 😝😝😝 cringe!! 

But you can! You just need to start with one meal on one day, a day at a time. By all means join me heaven knows I need the help!! Support me to get our baby! Lol!

So another pound off this week even with the naughty treats! One stone 8 pounds off in total! 

I got into a pair of jeans that were too small this time two months ago – it’s the little goals as well as the large one that are important. They keep me motivated!

Xoxo

Tough days and bad food choices ….

It’s hard to keep the motivation going when you have bad days. Those sort of days that make you want to climb back into your Pjs and watch bad TV with a bowl of the very best ice cream for company.

Do I feel like that often?…. Yes!! Do I always give in ? ….. NO! 

Today was one of those days, and while I didn’t give in to full meltdown mode, it’s been a bad one!

I managed to get out of bed … Yay for me! Be productive at work …. Double yay!! Make good food choices to start with….. until that is it got to dinner time and I was eating with my Aunty and family …. we had Chinese food! Sigh! 

(Insert slap here)

There are two ways I can go with this, continue to slip and start the bad cycle all over again! Or …..OR!!! accept that this has been not a great week so far, dust myself off and start again tomorrow. 

So that’s what I will do. Too many times it’s easy to beat yourself up for “slipping off the wagon” admittedly, often I can be found rolling around in the gutter after spectacularly falling off said wagon – But not this time – oh no! I am dusting my scraped knees off and clambering back up into that crappy wagon and hoping to god tomorrow no one even so much as mentions icecream! 

Wish me luck 

🌟😇😇🌟

Motivation from grief!

I am surprising myself at how focused I am still after a month of clean eating! 

Normally I always find an excuse but the sad thing is the pain I feel from the grief of loosing my cousin is giving me razor sharp focus. Something I haven’t felt before. 

When someone you know looses a loved one of cause you feel sad for them, you tell them how sorry you are and think how awful that would be but you move on with your day. 

People will often say “I know just how you feel!” But the truth is no one really can because grief is such a personal thing. We all feel it differently, we all deal differently and there is no right way to get through it. I never imagined just how hard it would be for me.  

I feel like I have an internal monster inside my chest, some days it’s quiet and bareable, other days it stretches out filling me, it scratches and claws at me until I’m raw. This weekend its clawed me to pieces. 

I once read you felt grief in waves – this is so true for me. One moment I am fine talking about happy memories, next I’m a sobbing mess in our local pizza place because he will never be in here with me again laughing and joking waiting for his parmo, feeling like a crazy person. 

The final piece was fitted to his grave today, the headstone. Seeing his name engraved beautifully on that stone just breaks me. It’s not like it didn’t feel final before, it did. But seeing that stone, those gold letters, the years that are just so short it makes me angry, there should be so much more time on that date!! 27 is too young! It just completely breaks me. 

  
It’s beautiful, it’s bling which he would have loved. My aunt and family did an amazing job. 

Normally this would be a time for me to jump back into my bad habits. I want to. I want to order food and eat until I don’t feel empty. The truth of cause is that it won’t ever work. Having now felt grief like this first hand, I don’t believe the empty goes or that you “get over it” I think you simply learn to live with the hole created by the loss. 

Today after a wonderful lunch with my family – which I refused desert!!! Yay me!! I came home and did some food prep for the week ahead. Planned some meals an cooked some low cal chilli. 

   
 
Preparation and pre planning is so important for me to have a good week. I am weakest around dinner time, so if I don’t know what I am eating once I get home from work or even worse I don’t have the food in….takeaway here I come. 

I have some lovely food planned in for this week. All including my new addiction which is hot sauce, pretty much replacing any sauces I would normally use that are calorific. 

  
My new best friends. Haha!!

So even after what was a hard weekend I have clung onto my motivation. I found something else that was more important to me than food. My love of my family, making them and my husband proud.  

One stone seven pounds down at the moment. Let’s see what this week brings. 

😇😇🌟🌟🌟 xoxo

It’s been a while …

Firstly I want to apologise for the radio silence the last few months. I can honestly say that this last year of my life has been the worst…. Ever….

Last year I wrote about my cousin and his fight with Leukemia. Soon after that blog he was told he was in remission, sadly four weeks later he was back at James Cook hospital having a brain tumour removed and about to under go more treatment. 

Gavin was so strong, no matter how many tests returned with bad news or treatment plans, chemo, radiation and so on were thrown at him, he continued to fight and smile. 

During the last few radiation treatments in December he became ill again. 

 Two days before Christmas we found out that the Leukemia had returned and that it was terminal. 

We were going to loose him. At 27 years old one of the most brilliant sparkling lights I had ever known had to leave us. 

I have lost grandparents to cancer, finding out that we had to say goodbye to my little cousin, someone I saw more as a little brother  was different. Que full melt down. I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t want to believe it ….. How could we ever say goodbye.  

Immediately my stomach rejected the lunch I had just eaten, and worst of all I had to watch his sister, my cousin break the news to us and her heart. 

I cried. I cried for Gavin, I cried for his partner of 9 years, I cried for my Aunt and Uncle who are amazing wonderful people and didn’t deserve this heartbreak. I cried for his sister.  

I am not a cryer, but since then the tears just haven’t stopped.

He came home for his last Christmas, still not really believing it was real! Constantly searching or hoping for a glimmer of a miricle something to save his life. 

It never came. 

  
On the 20th of January 2016 the bravest person I ever had the privilege of knowing left this world and gained his angel wings. In the process he took a peice of us all with him. 

I can’t describe the pain that followed and still is with us, we are totally broken. He’s left a massive hole in our lives. 

I wanted to share this because I feel ready to start to write again but also to tell the world about Gavin, the beautiful brave warrior that fought this shitty illness to his last breath. 

He is my inspiration to live life as well as I can, to never forget the importance of one more day.

To quote a recent meme I read on Facebook. 

If love could have kept you alive, you would have lived forever. 

Be thankful for everyday you have, even the bad ones. Appreciate your loved ones …. Make the time to see them!!

Until next time ❤️🌟

 
 

 

Mini moment – my day! What inspired it. 

So just a little blog about my day, earlier this year I found out my cousin has leukaemia. It came from no where and was like a punch to the face. 

We are a very close family and we were all devestated by the news. I am not an emotional person but I am not ashamed to say I cried for weeks, trying to get my head around it. I couldn’t bare the thought of him going through the chemo treatment. Luckily it is treatable but it had been a long hard road so far and he isn’t done just yet. He is getting better thank goodness!

We are all so proud of him, he will not give in probably doing more than he should even now. But it’s that sheer determination that will get him to the finish line I am sure. I love him so much for that he truly is my hero.

It’s given me a wake up call, it’s inspired me to share my writing with you all, take photography a little more seriously and perhaps most adventurously for me, go back to singing. 

As a child I loved to sing, I never really considered that I was any good I just enjoyed it. As I got older more and more people started to listen and enjoy it. I traveled for a while doing shows and met some fantastic people. 

When I settled down, it became more difficult to work full time and sing with traveling so it became more of a hobby. But my cousins bravery and attitude to this crappy illness has made me rethink a few things. What’s the point in not doing the things you enjoy just because you don’t make time for it. 

So today I went over to Broadwater Studio in Gateshead and recorded three tracks, I was so nervous but soon settled back into it and loved every minute of it!

I guess the point of this post is to say, live your life to the fullest. I don’t mean go out buy a camper can quit your job and travel the world, (although do if that’s really what you want lol) adventure takes many different forms. It might be learning a new skill, taking the leap into a new career! Or just getting one full day to your self to do with as you please. Or like me finding time to be more creative, painting, drawing, acting, singing whatever it may be! Do it – make the time!!

Every day now I think about my cousin and how much he has had to come through and then I think about those other people in the world who are ill and would give anything for just one more day. So I’m trying to do something in honour of those people, doing things now not putting them off until later. 

What sort of things are you putting off doing? Be brave jump in and do them! 

Until next time xoxoxox