PCOS pitfallsΒ 

I faced the scales again yesterday and somehow put 2lbs on!!

I wanted to post something about this because for some weigtloss journeys it’s loss, loss, loss in a lovely straight down line but mine, as with so many others, if I tracked it on graph would look like a twisty line resembling a three year olds drawing of a dog. 

Some weeks I deserve it, I have not been focused, I have not planned right and then that has lead to bad choices. 

This one I didn’t deserve! I kept well within my allowance. No clue why. I don’t want to moan about the difficulty of losing when you have PCOS but I feel like it does warrant mentioning so any of you lovely ladies out there going through the same thing may find the strength to dust yourself off and keep going. To know you are not alone!

I have learned there is a pattern with my losses and gains especially around my monthly cycle. It’s so very frustrating and I’m not a doctor so I don’t know if that’s the PCOS or just usual female issues as I know it effects a lot of women. However my gains can be up to 7lbs. 

If I stay focused and keep fighting forward the losses over the next two weeks are more, so over the month it’s still a great loss. It’s hard keeping that motivation when you feel like you failed yet again. 

Your attitude and self belief is key, believing that weight will go, you just need to continue as have been and trust your body to do what it needs to. That’s what I struggle with, trusting my body, I feel like it has let me down on so many occasions now. 

I’m working on PMA so today rather than slipping into “OH what’s the point” mode – I am visualising those 2lbs melting away when I next get on those scales!! 

I am imagining PCOS is a person and I am beating the living crap out of it!!!!!! PCOS isn’t making the choice of me being over weight or not – I am. It’s my body, you can’t have it any more!!!!

  

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Motivation from grief!

I am surprising myself at how focused I am still after a month of clean eating! 

Normally I always find an excuse but the sad thing is the pain I feel from the grief of loosing my cousin is giving me razor sharp focus. Something I haven’t felt before. 

When someone you know looses a loved one of cause you feel sad for them, you tell them how sorry you are and think how awful that would be but you move on with your day. 

People will often say “I know just how you feel!” But the truth is no one really can because grief is such a personal thing. We all feel it differently, we all deal differently and there is no right way to get through it. I never imagined just how hard it would be for me.  

I feel like I have an internal monster inside my chest, some days it’s quiet and bareable, other days it stretches out filling me, it scratches and claws at me until I’m raw. This weekend its clawed me to pieces. 

I once read you felt grief in waves – this is so true for me. One moment I am fine talking about happy memories, next I’m a sobbing mess in our local pizza place because he will never be in here with me again laughing and joking waiting for his parmo, feeling like a crazy person. 

The final piece was fitted to his grave today, the headstone. Seeing his name engraved beautifully on that stone just breaks me. It’s not like it didn’t feel final before, it did. But seeing that stone, those gold letters, the years that are just so short it makes me angry, there should be so much more time on that date!! 27 is too young! It just completely breaks me. 

  
It’s beautiful, it’s bling which he would have loved. My aunt and family did an amazing job. 

Normally this would be a time for me to jump back into my bad habits. I want to. I want to order food and eat until I don’t feel empty. The truth of cause is that it won’t ever work. Having now felt grief like this first hand, I don’t believe the empty goes or that you “get over it” I think you simply learn to live with the hole created by the loss. 

Today after a wonderful lunch with my family – which I refused desert!!! Yay me!! I came home and did some food prep for the week ahead. Planned some meals an cooked some low cal chilli. 

   
 
Preparation and pre planning is so important for me to have a good week. I am weakest around dinner time, so if I don’t know what I am eating once I get home from work or even worse I don’t have the food in….takeaway here I come. 

I have some lovely food planned in for this week. All including my new addiction which is hot sauce, pretty much replacing any sauces I would normally use that are calorific. 

  
My new best friends. Haha!!

So even after what was a hard weekend I have clung onto my motivation. I found something else that was more important to me than food. My love of my family, making them and my husband proud.  

One stone seven pounds down at the moment. Let’s see what this week brings. 

πŸ˜‡πŸ˜‡πŸŒŸπŸŒŸπŸŒŸ xoxo

A new beginningΒ 

So the last year has taught me that there may not always be a tomorrow. To live for today. Have no regrets. 

While that’s all very lovely and greetings cardy – it’s not reality.  

I want to live each day to the very fullest. To honour Gavin (see previous posts) and his memory doing all the things I was scared to do but it’s not easy. The thing I am most scared of …. Losing weight. 

I can’t have children, or at least I can’t cultivate a healthy pregnancy – my body just doesn’t like it. I have PCOS – have a little read of some of my previous posts for back story. We have had a rough ride trying to have a family.  

My weight first became an issue about eight years ago, I always was a chunky monkey but I picked up a takeaway addiction. On the weight went, always easier to go on than it is to come off. I wish I had known that when I was younger. 

With each failed pregnancy came heartbreak and in turn more eating to fill the very empty space inside me. I am here to tell you it doesn’t work. Food is not your friend but my will power was low so on and on it went. 

There are no excuses. I simply have lost my way. 

On many occasions in the past I have tried and succeeded to a certain extent. I love fresh food, vegetables, salads, fruits and all the lean meats ( I don’t do skin or fat 😝😝😝!!) but equally I loved the bad stuff and somehow in my world those calorie choices have always won! 
When the fertility treatment I was allowed failed us, my weight became an issue. There was no more treatment for a chunky monkey. 

I was mad, bigger women get pregnant every day, why did I have to do it?!? I resented it! But I realise now I am scared. 

What if I loose the weight and it still doesn’t work? What if I am still a failure as a woman? What if I truly can never have kids. You see for as long as I am bigger I can always blame the fat. If it’s gone and I am still not pregnant – then what?? 

I realise this may sound crazy to those sane of you out there but welcome to the world that is my inner monologue. 

So loosing my cousin made me realise, I have to be brave and try. If I don’t then I will regret it! There will come a time when having children is simply not a choice. 

One month ago I changed my habits. No more full fat cokes, no more ice creams, no more takeaways, no more naughty treats!! It’s time to get real! 

I have lost just over a stone and feel great but I still have a ways to go but I am trying my hardest. It’s time to make the best use of this beautiful countryside. 

  
Wish me luck πŸŒŸπŸŒŸπŸ˜‡πŸ˜‡β€οΈβ€οΈ

Surviving heartbreak…my guide to 11 years of trying for a baby.Β 

Firstly thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the messages and e mails I have had in support.

Really deciding to blog about the miscarriage was a form of therapy for me, to get it out of my head and try to heal! I had no idea how many people out there it would touch and it does make it worth it. The amount of support that you my lovely readers have given me is amazing and it really helps me too. 

It’s such a taboo subject often uncomfortable for some to read, but for as long as your stories come back to me and the thanks messages I will continue to write. 

The intention was not to blog about fertility but about my life up here in the countryside however it’s such a huge part of my life it’s hard not to write about it. 

I am often asked questions about handling certain situations from both perspectives and the truth is ….. I’m no expert. The titles a little naughty because have I really survived ? I don’t know. But I wanted to try and give you some of my 11 plus years experience of trying for a baby because if that’s the one thing I succeed in, helping others from my experiences, it’s something positive to come out of it. 

Honesty is not always the best policy. 

While it’s true to say having open dialog for me with those around me having kids is important, give yourself time. I have found a lot of the thoughts in reaction to something people say or do are usually irrational and not my real feelings. It’s like a little monster trying the fuel the anger fire so that you don’t have to deal with the pain. 

It passes normally for me and I start to sort through my feelings, then that’s the time I feel ready to talk. 

Learn to accept that people do not know the right things to say! 

This goes for both sides of the coin. From my point of view early on I would get defensive and hurt when people said anything to “try and help” here are some examples:

“Don’t worry time is on your side it will happen!!”

“I have a friend who has been trying for x years then bang pregnant at 40!!”

“Oh god be thankful they are a bloody nightmare!!”

“What I would give for one kid free weekend”

Worst- “you’d hate it no more handbags for you!”

Worst still “stop trying it will happen”

While all of the above are from the heart, genuinely people do not know what to say.  What one might say to one friend might not be right for another. For me I am lucky in that I haven’t felt jealousy to the point of resentment but I know some people who have and it just makes an all round awkward. 

Truth – there is no right thing to say and give your friends and family a break, if they say something truly hurtful to you then talk it out. But accept they just don’t know how to make you feel better. It’s not intentional. 

There is no time limit on grief. 

This is something I have noticed more and more as time goes on. In my early twenties everyone would say – it will happen give it time. Now in my mid thirties mainly people avoid the subject or in some cases I get the impression they feel like I should just get over it and move on. 

Until someone has gone through this it’s impossible to understand. If they don’t have that needed for children, again it’s hard. 

There is no time frame , it’s not for anyone else to tell you how long you should keep that dream alive. Don’t waste time thinking about why they don’t undestand. You can’t control other people’s thoughts and what they say. You will know when it’s time and that’s the only opinion that matters. 

Try not to go over the top with happy when someone is pregnant

This is something I have been guilty of repeatedly. While of cause I feel genuine happiness for new babies trying to brave face it can be exhausting. I am not suggesting being miserable but I have found over the many many new lives I have welcomed most people will look at me gone out like they are waiting for the crack if I’m over the top happy, if you genuine are that over the moon great! If not don’t fake it too much. Deep breathes be cool! Look at the little bundle of joy – those little dudes are cute. It helps. 

On the flip side – to those friends and family having the kids don’t try to hide your joy. We already feel so much guilt that you have to be in this situation because of our issues, to hide the news or hold in your happiness isn’t fair on you and makes us feel worse. Ok maybe not a Ta Dah I’m pregnant deal with it bitch, but talk it out and hope they can be happy for you. 

I think this is an area to be honest, be considerate your news may sting and give your friend or family member time to adjust. But let them deal, you can’t change your news and have a right to be happy, don’t assume they don’t want that for you. 

This is one of the saddest parts for me, everyone in my life has to deal with my problems. I hate that. 

Try not to avoid being around kids. 

Firstly let me say if you really can’t handle being around kids, maybe get a little help to cope. It’s hard sometimes but I have always emersed myself in the children I knows lives. I would have missed out on so much if I hadn’t.

I can name a few times I have sat in a room full of mums and felt like an alien with nothing to contribute to the conversation but the good times far out weigh the bad moments. I have had so much joy from the kids in my life that it’s sad to think some of my fellow sufferers are missing out because it’s too painful. 

Recently when all four of my nieces and nephew were staying there was a moment when we were all snuggled on the couch my hubby included, watching the movie Home and I felt so happy. Those moments make some of the pain so much better and the love those kids have for us definitely makes it easier to deal with the rest. 

Give yourself a break! 

I don’t know about you but I spend a lot of time beating myself up. You can not change what is, you can not control what others say or do. You can only focus on your thoughts and feelings. 

As much as it isn’t my fault I can’t sucessfully have children, I can not control what my body does. I have spent a lot of time beating myself up! This is a hard lesson to learn. I haven’t chosen this for myself and my husband, in fact that’s the most frustrating thing – I haven’t controlled any of it. There was no choice here!!

I still feel enormous guilt to my mother whom only had me so will never be a grandparent. To my husband who will never be a father. To his brother who will never be a uncle to our children.  To my best friend who so desperately wants this for me. Time has helped me realise I can not change this, the guilt has to stop. I have to take responsibility to deal with my feelings. 

Finally ……. Let it out. 

I have always had my writing and art, letting it out for me doesn’t always mean talking. But find a way to release the pain that works for you. 

Through the worst bits of this miscarriage and I am far from done even now, but I feel a real distance from everyone. I don’t really want to be around a lot of people, I feel best in my house. Which I know to some may seem wrong but to me it’s getting through it as best I can. It is important to let it out in some way however. 

This weekend I had some time alone while my hubby was out and I wrote a letter to my lost babies and took it to the river at the bottom of my road. For the first time I let it out, that monster that’s clawed at me from the inside for  years for every heartbreak, every loss, every “smile and get through it” moment, for every degrading procedure, for every moment of agony, for every time I have felt that vice like grip around my heart. The anger at the world for why me???? – the one thing a woman should do and I can’t. 

I cried, I sobbed – for an hour and a half at the waters edge until there was nothing left and then I burnt the words and let them fall into the water and float away. 

Do I feel better!? Not completely, but it’s helped. Perhaps opening the flood gates needs to happen because brave facing it is exhausting. 

So have I truly survived heartbreak? Well yes I think I have, it might not be pretty and not everyone can understand but I have done the best I can.  

I do truly believe one day it won’t hurt so much. I was almost there before this last loss. 

There isn’t one formular to surviving or supporting someone through this, I suppose that’s my point. Try to put yourself in the other persons shoes for a moment before speaking or acting. 

Being human doesn’t come with a handbook. No one knows the right things to say or do all the time, we just do the best can. 

Ask for help when you need it. 

Talk it out when you feel ready. 

Forgive those who may say or do the wrong thing. 

Mostly forgive yourself!!

Until next time xoxo