I am surprising myself at how focused I am still after a month of clean eating!
Normally I always find an excuse but the sad thing is the pain I feel from the grief of loosing my cousin is giving me razor sharp focus. Something I haven’t felt before.
When someone you know looses a loved one of cause you feel sad for them, you tell them how sorry you are and think how awful that would be but you move on with your day.
People will often say “I know just how you feel!” But the truth is no one really can because grief is such a personal thing. We all feel it differently, we all deal differently and there is no right way to get through it. I never imagined just how hard it would be for me.
I feel like I have an internal monster inside my chest, some days it’s quiet and bareable, other days it stretches out filling me, it scratches and claws at me until I’m raw. This weekend its clawed me to pieces.
I once read you felt grief in waves – this is so true for me. One moment I am fine talking about happy memories, next I’m a sobbing mess in our local pizza place because he will never be in here with me again laughing and joking waiting for his parmo, feeling like a crazy person.
The final piece was fitted to his grave today, the headstone. Seeing his name engraved beautifully on that stone just breaks me. It’s not like it didn’t feel final before, it did. But seeing that stone, those gold letters, the years that are just so short it makes me angry, there should be so much more time on that date!! 27 is too young! It just completely breaks me.
Normally this would be a time for me to jump back into my bad habits. I want to. I want to order food and eat until I don’t feel empty. The truth of cause is that it won’t ever work. Having now felt grief like this first hand, I don’t believe the empty goes or that you “get over it” I think you simply learn to live with the hole created by the loss.
Today after a wonderful lunch with my family – which I refused desert!!! Yay me!! I came home and did some food prep for the week ahead. Planned some meals an cooked some low cal chilli.
Preparation and pre planning is so important for me to have a good week. I am weakest around dinner time, so if I don’t know what I am eating once I get home from work or even worse I don’t have the food in….takeaway here I come.
I have some lovely food planned in for this week. All including my new addiction which is hot sauce, pretty much replacing any sauces I would normally use that are calorific.
So even after what was a hard weekend I have clung onto my motivation. I found something else that was more important to me than food. My love of my family, making them and my husband proud.
One stone seven pounds down at the moment. Let’s see what this week brings.