So the last year has taught me that there may not always be a tomorrow. To live for today. Have no regrets.
While that’s all very lovely and greetings cardy – it’s not reality.
I want to live each day to the very fullest. To honour Gavin (see previous posts) and his memory doing all the things I was scared to do but it’s not easy. The thing I am most scared of …. Losing weight.
I can’t have children, or at least I can’t cultivate a healthy pregnancy – my body just doesn’t like it. I have PCOS – have a little read of some of my previous posts for back story. We have had a rough ride trying to have a family.
My weight first became an issue about eight years ago, I always was a chunky monkey but I picked up a takeaway addiction. On the weight went, always easier to go on than it is to come off. I wish I had known that when I was younger.
With each failed pregnancy came heartbreak and in turn more eating to fill the very empty space inside me. I am here to tell you it doesn’t work. Food is not your friend but my will power was low so on and on it went.
There are no excuses. I simply have lost my way.
On many occasions in the past I have tried and succeeded to a certain extent. I love fresh food, vegetables, salads, fruits and all the lean meats ( I don’t do skin or fat 😝😝😝!!) but equally I loved the bad stuff and somehow in my world those calorie choices have always won!
When the fertility treatment I was allowed failed us, my weight became an issue. There was no more treatment for a chunky monkey.
I was mad, bigger women get pregnant every day, why did I have to do it?!? I resented it! But I realise now I am scared.
What if I loose the weight and it still doesn’t work? What if I am still a failure as a woman? What if I truly can never have kids. You see for as long as I am bigger I can always blame the fat. If it’s gone and I am still not pregnant – then what??
I realise this may sound crazy to those sane of you out there but welcome to the world that is my inner monologue.
So loosing my cousin made me realise, I have to be brave and try. If I don’t then I will regret it! There will come a time when having children is simply not a choice.
One month ago I changed my habits. No more full fat cokes, no more ice creams, no more takeaways, no more naughty treats!! It’s time to get real!
I have lost just over a stone and feel great but I still have a ways to go but I am trying my hardest. It’s time to make the best use of this beautiful countryside.