Its been a while since I have put pen to paper, in truth this has taken me hours to complete.
The truth is I am drowning in my grief.
I can’t tell you why this miscarriage is worse than the others, but it is. I can’t tell you why I feel so angry that I want to smash up every pot and pan in my house, but I do. Mostly I can’t tell you why this time the tears just seem never ending, I loathe the self pity I am feeling and the logical part of me screams – get a grip – but I can’t!!!
Quiet is not my friend, if I have too much quiet I have time to think and analyse everything. So I’m filling my time with noise!
We recently found out someone close to us is pregnant. I should feel joy but with one month between our babies all I see is an endless amount of milestones that I won’t get with my baby but I will be reminded of, scans, growing tummies, knitted booties, balloons and banners! The wound is so deep now I don’t know how to heal it.
I want to be happy for them, I’m angry at another thing this condition has taken from me. At a time I should be excited for them, I’m so consumed with grief for my baby I can’t breath and I can’t be happy. That’s not fair to them and then the guilt kicks in.
It’s such a lonely place to be. I have support but it’s hard for people to comfort me. I feel like I am completely alone and I know I will be allowed a certain amount of space to be upset but at some point I know people will expect me to be ok, if I keep saying I’m ok maybe one day I will believe it.
I’m so over this feeling – 11 years of desperately wanting something, the ups and downs of almost getting it and then it being ripped away. Months of truly painful cycles that seem useless.
The ache is so intense now it feels exhausting to keep this act up of I’m ok. I hope it doesn’t last.
I have some great kids in my life, I love them so much but it’s not the same. As mad as you may think I am but – I will never know how hard night feeds are, I will never be the one a child runs to first when they are hurt or ill. I won’t feel the joy of watching my baby sleep on my husbands chest. The pride of first days of school.
My god daughter who is 5 was staying over at our house with her three sibling asked me,
“Why are there no toys at your house?”
She was deadly serious, her little eyes all confused. I told her because we don’t have kids.
She paused and thought about it for a while, little brow still drawn in confusion she replies,
“But you have us, we are your kids too!!”
It was such a bitter sweet moment. I love my best friends kids, she has four and they are beautiful little people. We spend a lot of time with them and I love having them stay. It melts my heart that this little beauty cut through my pain with one hug and sentence.
So I know I will love this new baby I hope it will help to mend my Swiss cheese heart. I just hope it’s soon.
I will get past it but for now just quiet between you my lovely reader and I, I am remembering my lost babies and allowing the grief in. I hope that doing this will give me the strength to move forward.
I’ll never forget you little bean, I never got to name you or hold your hand. But I will hold you in my heart forever.
Until next time xoxox