It’s ok …… It’s really ok

Its been a while since I have put pen to paper, in truth this has taken me hours to complete.

The truth is I am drowning in my grief.  

I can’t tell you why this miscarriage is worse than the others, but it is. I can’t tell you why I feel so angry that I want to smash up every pot and pan in my house, but I do. Mostly I can’t tell you why this time the tears just seem never ending, I loathe the self pity I am feeling and the logical part of me screams – get a grip – but I can’t!!! 

Quiet is not my friend, if I have too much quiet I have time to think and analyse everything. So I’m filling my time with noise!

We recently found out someone close to us is pregnant. I should feel joy but with one month between our babies all I see is an endless amount of milestones that I won’t get with my baby but I will be reminded of, scans, growing tummies, knitted booties, balloons and banners! The wound is so deep now I don’t know how to heal it. 

I want to be happy for them, I’m angry at another thing this condition has taken from me. At a time I should be excited for them, I’m so consumed with grief for my baby I can’t breath and I can’t be happy.  That’s not fair to them and then the guilt kicks in. 

It’s such a lonely place to be. I have support but it’s hard for people to comfort me. I feel like I am completely alone and I know I will be allowed a certain amount of space to be upset but at some point I know people will expect me to be ok, if I keep saying I’m ok maybe one day I will believe it. 

I’m so over this feeling – 11 years of desperately wanting something, the ups and downs of almost getting it and then it being ripped away. Months of truly painful cycles that seem useless. 

The ache is so intense now it feels exhausting to keep this act up of I’m ok. I hope it doesn’t last. 

I have some great kids in my life, I love them so much but it’s not the same. As mad as you may think I am but – I will never know how hard night feeds are, I will never be the one a child runs to first when they are hurt or ill. I won’t feel the joy of watching my baby sleep on my husbands chest. The pride of first days of school. 

My god daughter who is 5 was staying over at our house with her three sibling asked me,

“Why are there no toys at your house?”

She was deadly serious, her little eyes all confused. I told her because we don’t have kids. 

She paused and thought about it for a while, little brow still drawn in confusion she replies,

“But you have us, we are your kids too!!”

It was such a bitter sweet moment. I love my best friends kids, she has four and they are beautiful little people. We spend a lot of time with them and I love having them stay. It melts my heart that this little beauty cut through my pain with one hug and sentence. 

So I know I will love this new baby I hope it will help to mend my Swiss cheese heart. I just hope it’s soon. 

I will get past it but for now just quiet between you my lovely reader and I, I am remembering my lost babies and allowing the grief in. I hope that doing this will give me the strength to move forward. 

I’ll never forget you little bean, I never got to name you or hold your hand. But I will hold you in my heart forever. 

Until next time xoxox 

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11 thoughts on “It’s ok …… It’s really ok

  1. I’m so sorry. There are no words but… It sucks, and I am sad that any of us have to go through this. That story about your god daughter is so bittersweet. Wishing you all the best and sending you hugs. X

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      1. I know the feeling. I feel like I want to have the happy ending or feel like we are at the end of the road and give up. Otherwise we are just waiting. I hope you feel better as time goes on. X

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  2. I get it. Everyone reacts different but it’s an awful awful thing! The guilt for not feeling happy is almost as bad! I haven’t been able to say congrats yet. This made me cry (in the nicest possible way) made me feel slightly less alone and I really feel for you! Beautiful words! Be patient with yourself! Sending thoughts hugs and prayers xx

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    1. Thank you. It’s hard I think all round. I have managed congrats and I do mean it, I love the people that are having the baby and I understand it’s awkward. But I can’t help what’s happened to us either. It’s just hard. This helps and knowing I help others by sharing my story helps me too 🙂 sending love back your way xxx

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  3. Just stumbled upon this as writing my first blog with a similar tone. Haven’t lost a baby, but haven’t been able to make one. The confusing feelings are just awful and stressful and never ending. Lots of positive thoughts for you.

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    1. It’s so hard, we have been trying for a long time! It’s hard to explain the need to have a baby, to expand our families but it’s a real. I find being honest about how your feeling is the best way. Bottling it up helps no one. I hope you get your baby soon! The only comfort I can give you is that I have heard so many stories while on this journey and most of them end with happiness in some way. Keep strong. Xx

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  4. I read a lot but one of my favourite quotes comes from a teen fiction book – The Fault in Our Stars – “Pain demands to be felt”. How true. I think you are right to let your grief in and accept that as a complicated human being you can be both joyful for your friends’ good news AS WELL AS sad and jealous that they have something you very much want (and that has been given and taken away from you more than once). These feelings are hard enough to bear without adding guilt for feeling them on top. We cannot control our thoughts or feelings so berating ourselves for having them is so wasteful of energy. Easier said than done I know though!! Thank you for posting, I find it so helpful to read other perspectives on the loss of a baby and the grief that follows x

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    1. Thank you. It’s not easy to share but at the same time some of the support I get from people who know this feeling helps and writing helps too. I think part of this meltdown is due to me not feeling it before. It’s all arrived at once. I am happy as I can be for them but I hate carrying the guilt that they feel like it’s not ok to be happy. I just wish no one had to go through this. X

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      1. I know. One of my friends offered me a vodoo doll of her to stick pins in when she told me she was pregnant about three weeks after my baby died!! I know she was joking, but I was so annoyed that she would think that I would hate her like that. I don’t want to be that person!! I think the bitterness would just increase if it’s not acknowledged so you’re well on your way to dealing with it if you ask me 🙂

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      2. I hope so. Wow voodoo doll that’s not great it’s that awkward bit I hate. I just want ppl to be normal enjoy their news and not think about me. I know it’s easier said than don’t but carrying guilt about ppl feeling bad makes it worse for me. I’m so sorry about ur baby. I’m working on being ok. I don’t know that I ever won’t want kids but it was getting better before this miscarriage hopefully I can get back there xx

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