Today has been rough.
Today I found out that I have lost another pregnancy.
I’m laid here unable to sleep. Wanting to get these feelings out but wondering how appropriate it is for me to upload a blog on this topic while it’s so fresh in my head, before the tears have even dried.
Something a friend said to me has made me start to type, she called me brave for talking about it openly on social media. The truth is I don’t feel brave at all, I feel like my hearts smashed to pieces.
It’s sometimes such a taboo subject, almost shameful to talk about but throughout our full journey I have shared my story. Mainly because I have gained so much support from my friends through social media – they have gotten me through some tough times. Also to know you are not alone, others can understand your pain.
I understand the need to keep it quiet and not talk, In fact saying the words out loud today seems harder than typing them in here. It’s a personal choice, for me writing helps me.
I’m just trying to make sense of it all – to me it feels like some sort of cruel joke. I’m surrounded by happy mothers and families, yet I remain unable to give that to my husband.
The physical pain I endure not just now but regularly wouldn’t seem so bad if I knew that one day I would be rewarded for it, for now it’s a reminder of my failure. I’ve cried so much today that at this point I’m in danger of dehydration!!
I can’t think about it in too much detail or I think I would loose it completely. 💔💔
It was very early days, not that it makes me feel any better I feel like I have been pregnant for 10 yrs, waiting for this baby to arrive but it never has. It feels like I am always loosing my child, maybe I will always be loosing it.
I have a recurring dream, I have had a baby finally and I am changing it on our bed, but I keep loosing it in the bedding. Doesn’t take a qualified counsellor to read into this one.
How much heartbreak should we have to endure to have a family? Just when I think I am past it and ok. What if I am never ok? What if my heart hurts like this forever?
In the next couple of days I will find a way of locking this up in a safe place and move on, but for now, just for tonight quietly alone writing this I will allow myself to fall apart a bit.
Not brave tonight – that starts tomorrow when I find a way to dust myself off and find my smile again.