Heartbroken – today I lost another pregnancy. 

Today has been rough. 

Today I found out that I have lost another pregnancy.  

I’m laid here unable to sleep. Wanting to get these feelings out but wondering how appropriate it is for me to upload a blog on this topic while it’s so fresh in my head, before the tears have even dried. 

Something a friend said to me has made me start to type, she called me brave for talking about it openly on social media. The truth is I don’t feel brave at all, I feel like my hearts smashed to pieces.  

It’s sometimes such a taboo subject, almost shameful to talk about but throughout our full journey I have shared my story. Mainly because I have gained so much support from my friends through social media – they have gotten me through some tough times. Also to know you are not alone, others can understand your pain. 

I understand the need to keep it quiet and not talk, In fact saying the words out loud today seems harder than typing them in here. It’s a personal choice, for me writing helps me. 

I’m just trying to make sense of it all – to me it feels like some sort of cruel joke. I’m surrounded by happy mothers and families, yet I remain unable to give that to my husband. 

The physical pain I endure not just now but regularly wouldn’t seem so bad if I knew that one day I would be rewarded for it, for now it’s a reminder of my failure. I’ve cried so much today that at this point I’m in danger of dehydration!! 

I can’t think about it in too much detail or I think I would loose it completely.  💔💔

It was very early days, not that it makes me feel any better I feel like I have been pregnant for 10 yrs, waiting for this baby to arrive but it never has. It feels like I am always loosing my child, maybe I will always be loosing it. 

I have a recurring dream, I have had a baby finally and I am changing it on our bed, but I keep loosing it in the bedding. Doesn’t take a qualified counsellor to read into this one.  

How much heartbreak should we have to endure to have a family? Just when I think I am past it and ok. What if I am never ok? What if my heart hurts like this forever?

In the next couple of days I will find a way of locking this up in a safe place and move on, but for now, just for tonight quietly alone writing this I will allow myself to fall apart a bit. 

Not brave tonight – that starts tomorrow when I find a way to dust myself off and find my smile again. 

  

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9 thoughts on “Heartbroken – today I lost another pregnancy. 

  1. I’m so sorry. There is absolutely no shame in talking about this incredibly difficult experience, and please don’t feel like you’re unable to give something to your husband. Life is mysterious, and you should not feel at all responsible. I’m glad that writing has helped you. Take gentle care of yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I am so sorry for your loss. Hugs to you.

    Bravery doesn’t have to mean being happy or serene or even smiling. Baring your soul and showing your pain can often be just as helpful, and maybe even more brave. Kudos to you for sharing your hurt.

    After my rainbow baby was born, i used to dream that we had another baby in the house that we just left alone and didn’t take care of. Essentially, abandoned. Didn’t take much to figure out the connection to my previous miscarriage. I can relate to your feelings.

    Hugs to you. Sending you hope.

    Liked by 1 person

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