Topic of conversation….fertility and miscarriage 

A friend of mine recently told me “When it comes to writing, stick to what you love and inspires you. Always write from the heart” I am new to blogging but I have secretly been writing short stories for a while, I do truly believe that writing from the heart is sound advice, because at least if no one else loves what I am writing I do. As some of you know from my previous blogs, the reason that I started to do this was therapy. To be able to share my photographs, art and stories has given me a focus that has made dealing with not being able to have children a little easier. With the therapy in mind I wanted to share something with you. Earlier this week I read an article on miscarriage and the reasons why it happens, as much as I feel like I am over the worst this still upset me like it highlights my defects. The thing that upset me most were some of the comments on post. The story was on how most pregnancies end in miscarriage before the woman even is aware or very early, and then the justification from some of the comments was like that was ok because it was early so it’s not like they were too far along that it wasn’t as hard to deal with. It really annoyed me. For every month that we tried for all of the ten years that we tried, I visualised what our life would be like with that baby. I imaged rocking them to sleep, I imagined taking them to nursery and then school, helping with school work, singing them to sleep, teaching them to sing as they got older, the arguments, the cuddles, the tears, the laughter even the tantrums. My first Mother’s Day, bens first Father’s Day.  Something I haven’t shared with anyone, I am about to share now. The thing I visualised most was how I would tell my husband and family. I even went as far as buying a little baby grow that was a Newcastle football shirt. I had planned to give it to my husband with the positive test. I hid it in my bed side table draws for years. I only finally got rid of it in January this year.  I knew I would take that first healthy scan picture make it into cards to give to our family as an announcement. How excited they would be and how tremendously loved that baby would be.  Every month it didn’t happen or even when it did and it ended badly my heart broke a little more. The time spend with these dreams didn’t make any of my miscarriages easier to deal with or any of the months that ended with no pregnancy.  The hardest part each month when you are trying is the wait. The two week wait as it’s known. It’s a long time to fantasies in those two weeks. Through some of the worst moments, physical and mental pain of the last few years I kept this visual in mind: It’s early evening, baby would be sleeping in it’s Moses basket after being bathed and fed, my husband would be home and we are so happy.  That image got me through a lot and to say I am out the other end now, it still angered me that anyone would dismiss any miscarriage early or not, the people loosing that baby may have been carrying that dream a lot longer than a few weeks!!  I still have these moments and I know I shouldn’t read FB comments as you know there are always going to be negative ones, but every time I think I am over it something happens and I think nope still hurts.  Heartbreak is subjective, if a person feels it then it’s real no matter what the reason. Who has the right to dismiss it so easily.  I know mine can’t be dismissed or forgotten. It is better now, better than I ever thought it could be. There is light for any one reading this in the same position. Cling to those things in life that make you happy, focus on them. For me it’s my husband, my family and letting my creativity out.

St Ives Bay
lane near my home
stone henge on my birthday couple years ago
Mount Vesuvius, jan 2015 holiday
st ives
lane near my mums house, love these fields 
one of my paintings
some sketches
st ives
river by my house

Until next time xoxo

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