Welcome to my new followers, I get so excited when I see the numbers going up haha! I am so new to not just this, but photography also so please bare with me and any advice any of you pros out there can offer me I would greatly receive it!
Now onwards …..
Lambing part two is in draft at the moment as I await a time to revisit those beautiful woolly jumpers for more pics – its a hard life!!
I thought I may, if you are willing, take you on a slight detour as we get to know each other. I want to give you a little more information, revealing more of myself and the motivation for this blog and my interest in photography.
I am so fortunate to have an amazing marriage its the thing I value most, above anything else. Sadly we are missing an element that we visualised as part of our perfect marrage, something I dreamt of from being a young girl, we wanted children. For over 10 years we have tried for that beautiful bundle of joy, but sadly the road to motherhood for me has been a long and rocky one.
I always knew I wanted a family, I would play with dolls as a child and want it so badly, I remember telling a friend once that I would have at least 4! As I got older other elements of my life became more important and I didn’t want rush into anything until I was sure of our relationship, but I just had a nagging feeling something was not right. The months of “lets see what happens” turning slowly in to black desperation as it wasn’t happening!
The ache of wanting a child is so real, it’s like someone is holding your chest down and sometimes punching a hole right through you. It’s not rational, it’s not something you can “stop thinking about” it’s ever present and always on your mind.
I had already had a miscarriage at 18 I didn’t even know I was pregnant at the time, the nagging sensation after this that something was wrong just didn’t leave me, so when I got that first positive on a test I was apprehensive. So much so that I didn’t share the information with anyone except my doctor. I went to that first scan alone, already feeling cramps and so scared.
My hands trembled as I sat in the Hospital waiting room, surrounded by women blooming with pregnancy. Laughing and talking about future plans. A young girl tentitively asked me if I was ok, I knew I must have looked a sight. I could feel the colour had drained from my face and was barely holding it together.
“I’m fine” I replied. Not being able to actually speak the words out loud, to say what I was most scared of.
“What if there is no heartbeat …..”
There’s a Beyonce song that she didn’t ever release in fact it’s only one verse but it so beautifully sums up for me the heartbreak of that moment.
I guess love just wasn’t enough for us to survive
I swear, I swear, I swear I tried
You took the life right out of me
I’m so unlucky I can’t breath
You took the life right out of me
I’m longing for your heartbeat
Heartbeat, heartbeat …… – Beyonce
The couple of weeks that followed were a blur, I remember a feeling of emptyness and being alone. I was surrounded by people that loved me, sure, but nothing anyone could say could mend the break in my heart and although it’s taped up a little. It’s still there to this day.
I found out I had PCOS followed with treatments, further attempts and losses I thought I would never get over the heartache. Coming to terms with never having a child I desperately wanted – It’s like grieving the loss of a loved one, for ten years I imagined my baby’s smiling face, I imagined the laugh and cry, the sleepless nights and how terrible Ben my husband would be at night feeds as he sleeps so deeply. Creating the nursery, the rocking chair in there I would spend a lot of time in nursing him/her. The life they would have with us and our families, the love they would feel from us knowing how desperately they were wanted. Their first words, first steps, first day of school ….. The list goes on.
The realisation that it just isn’t happening is like the death of a dream – I grieved so badly. I was angry, tearful I felt guilt that it was me preventing Ben from being a father. Most of all a failure, the most basic and natural thing a woman could do, to have a child and I couldn’t do it. I was failing. Ben has been so great, he is happy if it’s just the two of us but I still feel bad!
Slowly as more time passed we found ways of moving forward. Traveling was one of the things we loved to do. We booked trips away. We focused on the things in life that if we had children we perhaps wouldn’t have been able to afford to do them. Out of the traveling I found a love of photography. I have had no real training, I am self taught but one if the reasons I wanted to start this blog was to improve at it. To have somewhere to share what I have created. To maybe have something else to focus on, to heal a little with the beauty that surrounds us.
Here are a couple from our recent trips, until next time enjoy ……
Our Rome trip
Our America trip